Immaculate Deception

I took the time to go through these threads and I am very impressed with the sheer number of those who are childfree. Probably shouldn't be surprised since we freethinkers have the tendency to question traditional views and values.

BTW, earlier I stated that childfree women could PM me, but I also extend that invitation to men. I apologize for being exclusive--very limited indeed. :banghead:

ID

midnight

I don't know if anyone suggested this (because I'm not so good at reading through the whole thread:banghead: ) but there is a new procedure out in the states for women. Non-invasive. Its called Essure. They go in through the cervix and put a small metal device in each fallopian tube. It causes the tubes to become blocked with scar tissue.

I'm childfree but only 20. I want to be sterilized now as well. And I've been told I won't be able to find a dctr to do it. I'm going to go to planned parenthood and see if there is someone they can recommend to me. My mom has started saying stuff about grandchildren as well. I just tell her not to worry I'm sure my brother will have atleast one before he's twenty. That always shuts her up. On top of having no interest in being pregnant or giving birth there is a history of high risk pregancies in my family and there are numerous physical and psychological disorders that run in my family that I don't want to pass along to another generation.

DMB

I tend to go along with Brigid's first post in this thread.

I really do think there is a difference between one's feelings for other people's children and one's own and even probably between one's feelings for adopted children and one's biological children (provided nothing interferes the post-birth bonding process).

All through my twenties I really disliked my friends' children and when I was married to my first husband, who would have been a disastrous father, I didn't want children at all. Being married to my second husband, who's a completely different proposition, changed everything, and I started to want a baby, but not even then straight away.

With my second marriage I acquired two stepchildren and for quite a while I thought that I shouldn't need any more children. I really thought that my relationship with my stepchildren was the same as it would have been if I had been their mother. But it wasn't, and I only discovered this when I had my first child at the age of 35.

I agree that children cause one all sorts of grief and trouble, but it's a bit like a marriage. Any marriage or partnership is likely to have its downside, but most of us feel that the good stuff compensates for that. I would say that is true of parenthood. (In fact I've just remembered that for about 10 years from my early teens I was adamant that I didn't want to ever get married. Even earlier than that, when I was about ten, I didn't want to grow up to be a woman. I thought that if I concentrated hard enough I would turn into a man, because it was clear that men had a better deal than women.)

I would say that one of the things I have learnt is that adulthood is a sort of legal fiction. We don't go through clearly defined stages of childhood and adolescence and then suddenly -- snap! -- we're adult and that's that. We just go on gradually changing and developing throughout life. I have changed my ideas about so many things (but not religion ) and have no reason to suppose that the process has stopped.

So my point is that it is best not to close off options if you are not obliged to. You really may change even though at the moment you feel you are a completed adult who knows herself through and through. There really are a lot of contraceptive methods available now, and thank the IPU for the "morning-after" pill.

As a grandmother myself, I have a certain sympathy for parents who want grandchildren. It's all part of the same biological drive that makes many of us want children in the first place. I think, however, that it's appallingly interfering and pushy to ask one's children when they are going to get married/have children or whatever. I get as much enjoyment from my cats and dog as I do from my grandchildren (or that's my story ).

brighid

DMB,

Great post! After having my son (out of wedlock) the painful, near death labor and delivery experience, family court and for a while a real loathing for the male members of our species I REALLY thought I would never, ever, in a million years EVER want another child. It is not that I don't love my son. I actually love being a mother and adore that precious child, but the thought of pregnancy .... okay it scared (and still scares) the shit out of me.

I never even thought I would get married, or that I even wanted to get married. Obviously that all changed when I met my husband. I had my son at 22 and married at 30. I will soon be 32 and I am willing to have a baby with my husband. 5 years ago that would not even have entered my mind, and if it did it would have been quickly banished with a thought of, "Brig, are you f*in crazy?"

B

Toryn

For those who are childfree and are interested in meeting up with other childfree adults in their area, you might want to find out if you have a local chapter of "No Kidding" near you. This is a social organization for married and single people who don't have kids.

Toryn

TomboyMom

girlwriter, are you out there? This thread seems right up your alley.

girlwriter

Spooky, Tomboymom - one of the first threads I read after several days off the boards, and there you are!

Yeah, it's all very familiar. I haven't had time to read the whole thread, so forgive me if I say something totally irrelevant.

DMB and Brighid,
Your perspectives are appreciated, but I have to say that this is the kind of response that can be extremely frustrating to childfree individuals, expecially in a forum such as this thread. What you as a parent need to realize is that we have made a choice, one that we have put a great deal of thought into. For the most part, a woman in her early thirties who is sure she doesn't want children has considered all of the things you are saying. What you also need to realize is that just as a childfree person cannot ever understand the amazing benefits of parenthood, a parent can never understand the benefits of being childfree. As you said, you continue to grow and change long into adulthood, and the process is very different for a non-parent than it is for a parent. So I find it a little arrogant, or at least short sighted when people assume that they know what my side looks like and I can't know thiers. Getting sterilized is not cutting off an option when it isn't necessary. Having the freedom to plan your life with the (almost) certainty of not getting pregnant is very important. Not having to deal with contraceptives when you know you don't want children is a burden. And lets be honest. Sterilization is not burning a bridge. One can adopt. Having children is burning a bridge. You can never take that act back.

Moreover, this is a thread asking for support on the childfree issue and sterilization. It really is not an appropriate place for parents to come and preach the parenthood gospel, however well meaning.

For what it's worth, ID, here's my opinion on sterilization.

I really think your partner needs to buck up and go under the knife if he's sure about being childfree. It's a much bigger operation for a woman. My hubby got his about eight years ago, I think. I watched. Went by in about 20 minutes, no big deal. (Easy for me to say, I know.) A couple of drops of blood. But seriously, he sais basicly the same thing. He was concsious, and felt nothing during the operation except some "pulling" sensations that he found a little uncomfortable, but not bad. Afterwards, he sat with an icepack in his lap and watched movies on the couch while I waited on him hand and foot for three days and went to work on Monday.

It's a hell of a lot easier for him than it would be for you, less painful, and faster recovery as well as cheaper. Better for your health in the long run not to have to be on the pill until menopause as well. And if he's squeamish about the knife, ask him how he'd enjoy childbirth.

I know you don't want to make him do something he doesn't want to do, and I sincerely do respect that, but don't forget that one of you has to. And it's reletively easy to find a doc who will do it.

Goodluck, and sorry again if I've totally missed what's currently happening in the thread.

brighid

Girlwriter,

This is in the Secular Coffee House and Lounge and therefore not strictly a support thread. Furthermore support is not simply positive reinforcement of an idea, at least not in my opinion, and the originator of the OP wasn't the only one discussing the desire to be sterile (such as the twenty year old poster.)

I think I made it quiet clear, at least my original post that I think it is rude for people to continue to harp on the issue, but also to try and explain that comments from the regular joe (although insensitive or offensive) aren't always meant to be AND that from the perspective of a parent (who didn't think she ever wanted children) that the comments about it being different with your own child ring true. That is all, nothing more and nothing less.

Our thoughts are no less valid simply because the have not completely and positively affirmed everything in the OP.

I appreciate your perspective, but I do not agree with your conclusion.

Brighid

Immaculate Deception

Hi,

After reading your thread from April, I am wondering whether or not you've finished your short story? If so, any chances of my reading it?

ID

Godless Dave

My father has never said anything to me about grandchildren. This might have something to do with the fact that he walked out on my mother.

My mom has also been very good about it. All three of her children are over 30, unmarried, and childless. She said something about grandchildren exactly once, and it was relatively benign. She has also said she doesn't want to interfere in our life choices, although that apparently does not apply to career or health advice. She has referred to us as "late-bloomers" and commented that because of our age it's likely that one or more of us will marry someone who already has kids but that's as far as it goes. I think she really respects her children's ability to make decisions for themselves, and coming from a generation where you were downright weird if you didn't have kids by age 30 she is extra-sensitive to the issue. Plus we got her a puppy a few years ago.

My stepmother, however, is new to the family and might not know the rules. Last month she asked me when I would bring grandchildren home. I told her when I got a court ordered DNA test.

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PS Girlwriter, I think you are being too harsh on DMB and especially Brighid. Both seemed to me to be sharing their experiences in a non-judgemental manner.