fried beef sandwich

and it bothers me.

When I was deconverting, I was a voracious reader, always reading up on arguments, and generally able to hold intelligent debates with people on a dime. I lurked the philosophical forums every day and spent my energies mentally dissecting the arguments I read, separating the wheat from the chaff. I kept all my philosophy textbooks and read them occasionally. I vigorously defended my newfound unfaith and had quite a few arguments with family members. I was on the infidels ex-tian email list.

But these days, I'm no longer at the top of my game, intellectually speaking. I've eschewed the philosophy and logic - I haven't picked up one of those books in two years. To be honest, if you were to ask me to give a detailed accounting of what I found wrong about Christianity, I wouldn't be able to sustain an intelligently presented conversation. I've forgotten why I don't believe. I only remember that I don't believe anymore.

I think what happened to me is simple: I burned out. Too much apologetics, too much philosophy, too much time wasted arguing with my parents, who simply run around in circles on that indoor track known as circular logic and baseless assumptions. There was a point in my life where, for 2 years, I could expect a twice-to four times monthly 5-7 hour long conversation with them where they would be in denial about me losing my faith and ask me what REALLY happened, was it people? a traumatic experience? Failing to get the "real story," they would then try to evangelize me and convert me.

I got sick and tired of defending myself from everyone, friends and family alike. I was ready to move on with my life and I sure as hell wasn't going to cave into everyone else's hope that I spend the next 3 years converting BACK again before I went back to finish college.

Today, I've been reading the IIDB boards when I should be preparing for my Ochem lab tomorrow (this) morning. Part of me is glad that I no longer feel a burning need to throw myself completely into philosophy and to justify everything to myself. Yet I also realize that with that freedom, I am currently no longer a critically thinking atheist. I've become a sheep.

I guess I've started to notice it once my parents started to be more hands-off wrt religion. They gave me my freedom to do what I want (for now), and that sort of eliminated the need for me to prepare myself intellectually, etc.

It bothers me that I'm not really rooted in anything anymore. I'm not sure what the next step in my spiritual (or aspiritual) journey is. Right now I am pretty happy with living life as it comes, taking risks and enjoying the sunshine, and generally ignoring or brushing aside religious-related conflict in my life. I think a major obstacle preventing me from developing my beliefs any further is the associated pain and anguish of my deconversion experience and the fact that I still love my family and hope that things can all work out and be harmonious.

Has anyone else felt the same way? It seems like everyone on SL&S either seems really settled in their beliefs or is dealing with the initial stages of leaving their faith, or at least the initial aftermath. Everyone seems a lot more proactive than I am right now. I'm not sure what sort of advice I'm asking for right now, to be honest. Probably some "me too"'s or just someone who'd volunteer to be a sounding board.

Forgive my rambling. it's 1:43am, PST.

thanks,
fried beef sandwich

Jewel

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I think what you are going through is pretty normal. They say there's nothing like the newly reformed (I'm not sure who they are, but anyway). It's normal to really embrace a new stance with a lot of passion and then after awhile settle down into more routine things. It doesn't mean you will never feel the passion again.

It really isn't nessessary to argue (or prepare to argue) your position 24/7. That would be enough to burn anyone out. My advice would be to relax. Find something you enjoy doing and live your life. There is so much more to life than debating your philisophical stance.


Jewel

The Other Michael

Once you've resolved everything to your satisfaction, I don't see any big need to keep revisiting it all the time unless you've got new evidence/theories that need to be integrated with what you'd figured out.

Ideally, I think religion should be such a non-issue that no one ever thinks of it. It sounds like the level of stress associated with religion has dropped enough to be in your comfort zone, and without a constant level of irritation you aren't feeling much need to scratch.

cheers,
Michael

openeyes

I think part of the problem is that even though we're very comfortable with thought of no supernatural being out there watching over us (despite what so many others seem to think), this realization doesn't solve all of life's problems. Our clarity in this area can make the muddle is other arenas even more confusing. People who basically share our non-belief have their flaws, often major. We still love and are connected to people whose thought processess we don't understand. We're always trying to balance ours needs with the needs of those around us. Our needs aren't constant. We're complex beings and the world will confound us at times no matter what. We've figured out something important for ourselves but then we move forward to find out something else. Or we just live for awhile and allow things to settle.

I don't know if any of these thoughts are really addressing your concerns, but I think I'll post them anyway in hope that they make some sense to you.

DarkBronzePlant

In addition to what everyone else said, think of it like any new "interest" (in this case it's a disinterest, but it's the same concept.) You're enthusiastic about it for awhile, willing and wanting to talk to anyone about it, interested in learning more, reading about it, etc. After awhile, it can just become tiresome, after the newness and excitement wears off.

It's perfectly normal and can happen with anything. I often feel that way about computer programming, for example. For awhile I couldn't do enough of it, and when I wasn't actually programming, I was reading about programming, talking to others about programming. And although I am still a programmer, and more or less enjoy being one, it's just gotten tiresome to constantly think about it.

The same probably happens with lots of people for lots of topics: playing a musical instrument, buying home theater equipment, learning to cook, doing home improvement repairs, hell, even theism!

I don't think you have anything to stress over at all. It's perfectly natural.

Zora

I believe in a woman's right to choose, racial equality, equal employment, the Bill of Rights, gay rights, , protecting the environment, science and ten thousand other things. I can't spend all day on the internet, or reading books to bolster my beliefs and prepare arguments on all points all the time.

On Abrahamic religion, nothing new has come up in about 6000 years, so I have made my choice based on the best evidence to date. If there is new evidence, I'll revisit the issue. But for now, I have other stuff to do....like have a life.

Occasionally, I have a "flare up" of enthusiasm for one belief or other during which time I become more activist (or outspoken..or insulting according to some). Right now, I have no non-theist friends so I need the interaction II provides. I also have more time to read now. In a year, who knows.

Eloquently put by "The Other Michael."

cydonia

When I was deconverting I did quite a bit of reading and debating and dissecting myself. Once the fear of hell went away, I thought of it less. I still think about it, sure, but not with the same sense of urgency I once had. I'm convinced I know more about christianity (although much much less than many here) than many fundamentalists. It's like there's a little more room in my head now for other things, even if they are carefree thoughts that have nothing to do with god at all.

You feel like you're an advocate for a great cause (battling irrationalism is definitely a great cause, imo) and once you think you've had some victories, it's time for other things I suppose.

Recently I got about half way through The Jesus Puzzle, by Earl Doherty, and much of it was over my head and beyond me. And though it was interesting, I kept thinking, "Is this all there is? Do I even care anymore? How much convincing do I need that I'm truly ok and won't burn in hell for eternity?"

On the other hand, can you believe that so many people actually don't think twice about these issues? Maybe your feelings of "withdrawl" are just the curse of an active mind!

Hang in there

Sol

I've always been pretty mellow about it all. Live and let live is my general approach. Most people don't even know I'm an atheist and I'm accepting of others right to pursue whatever makes them happy. I've never felt a burning desire to be all radical about it. Occassionally a topic interests me here (for a variety of reasons) and I get active in a thread. Perhaps you are just getting more comfortable with yourself and your non-beliefs, as it were.

fried beef sandwich

Hi all, thanks for all your thoughtful responses. They've been very helpful and encouraging.

I think what my situation boils down to is this: religious argument and conflict have been the main catalysts for my constant thought re: my beliefs. I'd always be thinking about them, making sure they had a solid grounding in reason and logic. In a sense, my mind was working in a very similar pattern as I used to as a Christian, constantly thinking about my faith with thoughtful consideration.

However, as of late, there hasn't been much argument and conflict in my life. Since those two thins have been the main catalysts for me remaining devout in my aspirituality, I've been feeling odd not thinking about the things that I've been accustomed to for so long. Kind of a "now what?" type of situation. It made me reel really uncomfortable. So, infused with the power of a 25 proof libation, I lurched to my desk and posted to the board.

Now i'm realizing that my situation is great! Although I don't think about philosophy and religion anymore, it frees up so much mental and actual time for me to do all the things that I've been meaning to do.

It's hard for me to convey my exact state right now, but I wanted to say thanks again to everyone for helping me feel not guilty about not trapping and hindering myself with constant rumination over philosophical subjects like I used to.

It's also late again, so I think I'll go to bed.