Queen of Swords

Hello everyone, and welcome to a fresh serving of Nut puree, the dish of choice for very young children and very gullible adults! I�m your host, QueenofSwords, and while many fundamentalists make an effort to reach out to children, albeit with a rod, few of them put as much effort into organizing that approach as this week�s specimen. Their ministry to atheists is even more detailed, not to mention brimming with the favorite four-letter f-word of fundies. Get ready for some good old-fashioned preachin�, because this week�s Nutwatch puts a wooden stake into

New Life Assembly of God

Assembly of God : insert Omnipotence tab into Apathetic slot. Batteries not included. Seriously, though, the pastor of this church labors under the name of Michael Jackson, something which cannot be a coincidence, considering that the one is nearly as creepy as the other when it comes to children.

Jackson's emphasis is on reaching the lost at any cost. He strives to involve the whole body in the ministry of evangelism.

From the spleen to the little toe to the lower intestinal polyps, no body part is too low to be used to convert the damned. And primary among those hellbound masses are the little ones, who are recruited by means of the delightfully titled

Kidz Zones

New Life Assembly of God's Kidz Zones Ministry exists to ZERO-IN on

�The target � a Hispanic female aged approximately seven � has been identified and is in the Cross-hairs. Fire at God�s will!�

and share Christ with the children of our community, allow OWNERSHIP by uniting them with Christ and other Christians,

So if such unfortunate children later run away, does the Kidz Zones Ministry send out dogs and patrollers after them?

NURTURE them in their spiritual maturity, EQUIP them in their spiritual gifts and to SUBMIT their lives to God.

The brainwashing is even beautified by a little color code. Reminds me of the Nazis, who also used colors as a categorization tool.

Zero - In = Yellow = Telling others of Heaven & it's Streets of Gold

Yes, please stress the gold, because there�s never enough of that on earth to go around for all the True Christians. Never mind, once they all get to heaven, there�ll be beautiful, wonderful gold for everyone � they can sleep on great piles of it like dragons!

Ownership = Red = Fellowship with God and Man - Ownership by God and ownership within the group.

The group owns you (or perhaps, keeping the kidzspeak in mind, that should be �ownz�)? This is one occasion when the slogan �Better dead than red� applies.

Bought by the blood.

Sold by the pee.

Nurture = Green = Growing in Christ

And growing all around him, too, like clinging creepers. He�ll look like Swamp Thing, making the Green most appropriate.

Equip = Blue = blue collar work ethic being prepared for works of service.

This is a bit of a stretch. Why not Blue = blue Starfleet shirts signifying medicine or science? Or Blue = blue films, a career in the adult entertainment industry?

Submit = White = Universal color for surrender. That each child would fully offer themselves in surrender to God as an act of worship.

Since white is also the traditional color worn by a blushing bride, this comes off as a weird, almost pedophiliac ritual. Perhaps, after the child has given God his or her body, God gives the child His body, cunningly disguised as candy or at least a crispy wafer.

Each step or Zone is a progression flowing from evangelism to complete Submission to God. Complete Submission to God in every way is the goal, the end Zone as it were.

Perhaps the kiddies could learn a song by which to fix their permanent subservient status into what remains of their minds. Something along the lines of that catchy tune from Snow White :

Lie low, lie low,
It�s groveling we go,
From birth to death, from our first breath
We�re slaves, we know!

Notice that each child moves from darkness to light.

Yes, when you shine a bright light in a creature�s eyes, it usually freezes and can then be easily killed and cooked.

For the Committed we have in-depth Nuturing and Discipleship - Discipleship Program, Wednesday Warrior Fellowship,

Don�t forget the Monday Marauder Meeting and the Sunday Samurai Potluck.

For the Core we have Equipping for ministry - Puppet teams�

This requires no further comment. And since every good war requires an dastardly enemy to vanquish, one is conveniently provided in the shape of

TEMPTATION AND INFIDELITY

Understand this, Satan never plays fair. His evil forces keep an eye open for

the One Ring, with which he will rule Middle-Earth!

every opportunity to tempt us such as when we have been involved in behavior that he knows will weaken our Christian faith, when we are emotionally depleted, mentally tired,

and sexually unsatisfied, which must be a more or less permanent state.

or overwhelmed from battle fatigue.

The Israelites slew thousands of old people and children in their heyday and you�re complaining about a little battle fatigue? Man, they just don�t make berserker butchers of God like they used to.

WHEN WE ENGAGE IN SEXUAL SINS, WE JOIN JESUS CHRIST WITH THAT EVIL RELATIONSHIP

Poor Jesus; he comes off as the most impotent deity ever created, if he has no choice but to enter the beds of harlots along with their clients, like a leech attached to an animal.

When we commit a sexual sin, we drag His name and person into that sin.

Especially if, at the moment of climax, we say, �Jesus H. Christ� or anything similar. He hears us, and from Heaven He dashes, eager to be worshipped, only to find a sexual sin in progress. Imagine His disappointment. Especially since He wasn�t even invited to join the festivities.

One writer noted in this regard, �We link the Holy Son of God with a harlot.�

And more often than not, she overcharges Him! It�s a crying shame.

IT USED TO BE that homosexuality was considered a perversion. Polite people didn't even talk about the vice.

Are you saying that St. Paul and the author of the Pentateuch were not polite people? Since they got their inspiration straight from the horse�s mouth, or possibly the rear end of the same animal, perhaps God isn�t polite either. He should join the Kidz Zones Ministry and learn to improve His manners.

Now the debate is over whether or not gays should be able to adopt children, get married, and be ordained into the ministry of certain denominations. Gays are even accepted as having entertainment value on television.

And lesbians are twice as much fun! Seriously, though, in the ideal world of the Assemblers of God, the entertainment value of gay people must be based solely on how long they could survive the stoning.

IT USED TO BE that the marriage vows were considered sacred and a man and woman married for life. Now� if our partner does not make us happy, or if he or she does not meet our needs, then we discard them in favor of some other pretty face.

So, pastor, how much alimony is she getting and whom has she started to date?

IT USED TO BE that our young ladies and young men understood that they were to save themselves till marriage. Being a virgin was an honor, something that he or she could take pride in.

Isn�t pride supposed to be a sin? Never mind, once the incomparable glory of virginity is stripped away by marital consummation, leaving the unfortunate people robbed of their one source of self-respect, they could always find comfort in the fact that they still have their tailbones, or their appendices. There�s some body parts that not even marriage can take away from you!

The fact that Mary, the Mother of Jesus, was a virgin was not meant to imply in Scripture that she was weird, unwanted, or ugly.

So where in Scripture does it say that she was normal, desired and beautiful? Anywhere?

The angel saluted her

and said, �Heil Hitler!�

and told her that she was highly favored of the Lord. I believe the same holds true for virgins today!

This deserves a song, something along the lines of O come all ye faithful :

Don�t come, all ye frigid,
Knees pressed tight together,
Don�t touch, don�t fantasize or you will burn.

What will be the next taboo that will fall? Incest?

That fell when two people somehow managed to populate the earth.

Sex with children?

That fell when Moses told the Israelites to save the female children for themselves.

Rape?

If she�s not betrothed and you have fifty shekels, God doesn�t have a problem with it.

Wife swapping? Whose to say? Where do we draw the line and say enough already? But just to be sure, that line has already been drawn. God drew it - and He hasn't changed His mind either.

Thank goodness for that; otherwise you might actually have had to think about these things yourselves, bringing on mental tiredness that leaves you vulnerable to Satan�s evil forces. But of course, anyone who thinks about divine dictates to that extent � and has the further temerity to disagree with them � is considered by the Assemby of God to be

The Fool

Few fundamentalists can resist the luscious lure of this biblical insult, and Pastor Jackson is not one of them.

The word fool in the Bible means, someone that is lacking in common sense, understanding; someone who is dull, sluggish, silly, stupid, foolish.

So the word �fool� means someone who is foolish? My, the things you learn.

The Bible, in Psalms 14 and 53, gives 12 characteristics of a fool. Please notice: They say that there is no God, they live corrupt lives, they do vile things

They refuse to do vile people, however, leaving the fundamentalists horny and frustrated.

They ignore God and do not seek Him

In other words, while the poor Creator of the Universe is hiding behind a (burning) bush and waiting to touch the home-tree, all his potential playmates have abandoned him. This makes him vewy vewy sad.

They do not do good

Well, according to the bible, I�m not sure that anyone does good. Whatever happened to �all their good deeds being as filthy rags�?

They seek to devour God's people

with white wine sauce and chanterelles on the side.

They never pray

They only prey, presumably on the plumpest and slowest of God�s people.

They are eventually overcome with great fear or dread

of the boogeyman hiding in their clothes hamper.

They frustrate the plans of the poor

They take the mother�s milk out of babies� mouths and they crap in the birdbaths too.

The fool is obviously a person that is both evil and ignorant and is content to stay that way. He wouldn't change even if he could!

Hence Pastor Jackson�s loving ministry to them. I�m sorry, who was the fool again?

NOTICE NOW THAT THE FOOL SAYS, �THERE IS NO GOD.�

NOTICE, DAMNIT, OR I�LL SHOUT THAT AT YOU AGAIN.

How many of you have ever heard of Lloyd Thoren of Petersburg, Indiana? He operates a Dial-a-Atheist phone service. Do you need an uplift?

I believe there are certain underwired undergarments which may perform this very function.

Do you need something to inspire you? Then just give Lloyd Thoren and his "Dial an Atheist" service a call! Can you possibly imagine anything more pitiful and hopeless than that?

Certainly. How about convincing children that they should be owned by their community? Or believing that divorces take place for the sole purpose of fresh nookie? Or � here�s the best one � bringing up a phone counseling service for no relevant reason other than to mock it?

I think a root canal would provide greater excitement.

Not too much excitement, though; you want to save that kind of thing for your wife.

Calvin Coolidge, the former President, once said: "It is hard to see how a great man can be an atheist.�

And my mother once said, �Anything worthwhile is hard to achieve.�

�Doubters do not achieve. Skeptics do not contribute. Cynics do not create."

What was Coolidge doing, trying to sell a special medicine to restore manly vigor?

Along this line, Charles M. Houser once wrote: "Atheism never composed a symphony. Never painted a masterpiece. Never dispelled a fear. Never healed a disease. Never gave peace of mind. Never dried a tear. Never gave an intelligent answer to the vast mystery of the universe. Never gives meaning to man's life on the earth. Never built a just and peaceful world. Never built a great and enduring civilization."

I think I�ll just leave that crowd of strawmen and lies as they are; can�t improve on the perfection of a mind riveted shut. For that matter, which diseases has Christianity healed, other than the diseases of self-respect and rationality?

An atheist complained to a friend that Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas, Easter and the like� The friend, being a quick wit, replied, �Why don't you celebrate April Fool's Day?�

That�s already taken by the gullible and na�ve � to wit, fundamentalists. Really, has poor Pastor Jackson no original thoughts at all?

The atheist therefore thinks in his heart

The left ventricle must handle language, while the right ventricle is more visually oriented.

that there is no Judge, no Final Arbitrator, no Governor of the world, no Providence ruling over the affairs of men. The scriptures are correct; such an individual is corrupt as well as vile. He or she is a fool.

Please, try to restrain your overpowering love for us all; heartwarming though it might be, you want to save at least some of it for your wife-for-life and all your little godslaves at home.

�Only a fool would say, �There is no God!� People like that are worthless; they are heartless and cruel and never do right.� Such a person says, �no God.� Such a person is truly a fool indeed!

Either the good pastor is paid by the f-word or he imagines the audience has short-term memory problems. No wait, I take that back; since he�s preaching to fundamentalists, no imagination is necessary.

PLEASE CONSIDER WITH ME FOR A MOMENT THE END RESULT OF SUCH A CONFESSION.

Change to : �PLEASE CONSIDER FOR ME SINCE I AM INCAPABLE OF SUCH MENTAL EXERTION��

The sin of atheism is a crime which much provokes heaven,

The sin of agnosticism is a crime which makes heaven mildly antsy, as though heaven had eaten spoiled salami.

and will eventually bring down terrible vengeance on the fool who practices or proclaims it--even if only in the secret confines of the heart!

All the more reason for unbelievers to go public about their lack of beliefs, standing up strongly for themselves � in for a penny, in for a pound. The author might want to re-evaluate his approach, unless he wants to come off as Ming the Merciless, which is admittedly possible.

The poet therefore penned: "On earth are atheists many, in hell there is not any."

The other nameless poet therefore penned: �To make his hell an awful place, god should go through the human race, pluck out the fundies like this liar and drop them in the lake of fire. Compared to them, the devil�s tame, and once they recovered from their shame, they�d keep on preaching, night and day, �God sent me to show you the way!��

Man could not have thought up a God that is perfect.

Gosh, maybe the devil did it.

Look at the existence of the conscience -- is that a product of evolution? Imagine a human being coming up with the idea of self-denial or cross bearing. What man could have thought up The Ten Commandments?

Just because you lack the mental capacity to keep tight control over a population of primitive nomads doesn�t mean that everyone does. It�s one thing to insult atheists, but why mock the ancient Israelites? What did they ever do to you?

Look at the mountains, the sunsets, birth, animal life,

Don�t forget animal death. Mmm, tasty roast beef and pork and mutton, all testifying to the glory of God that he made us enjoy burnt offerings as much as He does!

a garden, the heavens on a bright starry night, a mother�s love�

Exemplified by Andrea Yates.

If a person can see all of these things and not see God, then he or she could also LOOK ALL OVER THE SKY AT HIGH NOON ON A CLEAR DAY AND NOT SEE THE SUN!

In other words, they�d be in Alaska? Or maybe there was a solar eclipse at the time? Either way, perhaps the Assembly of God would be kind enough to pray for any poor souls in Alaska and also those unfortunate enough to see an eclipse.

�not one infidel, agnostic, or atheist can boast of any benefits whatsoever from their unbelief! Not one!

I completely agree. Not one, but hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions, if you take into account every unbeliever who has ever existed. Boy, even rotten nuts get picked up by squirrels.

The Bible is God's Book! Look at it's beauty. Consider it's many prophecies. Meditate on it's amazing historical and scientific accuracy.

I�ll attest to the scientific accuracy. If you read the Song of Solomon and then observe women closely, you will find that they do indeed have breasts, although you may have to undress them in order to determine whether the breasts are like two clusters of grapes.

If you do so with a pure motive, I promise you, you will see God written out on every page!

If you don�t see the word �God�, look for the letters �g�, �o� and �d�, which spell out God. They may not be consecutive or in the right order, but they should be there; if not, look for �g� and �d�, keeping in mind that the Hebrews didn�t use vowels. Or just �g�, which everyone knows stands for god. Or just nothing at all � do you actually need evidence in order to believe?

He is a great God; He is an awesome God!

He is a clean God; He is a God who always wears fresh underoos!

I submit to you that the God who is, is the God who is seeking to speak to and minister to your needs right here today. Won't you respond to His loving hand?

This God must work in the seedier kind of massage parlors.

That Savior came,

And there was much rejoicing, especially by the Savior, who doesn�t get to come too often.

bled and

donated the results thereof to the Red Cross, because that organization�s name brought back many fond memories for him.

died for me, for you. If you have not accepted Him into your heart, please do so today. Don't leave here a fool. Don't say, "No God."

Because that�s not a complete sentence; in the interests of grammatical accuracy, it should be, �There is no god.� From children to atheists to his own brainwashed congregation, Pastor Michael Jackson, the King of Poop, spreads his particular brand of lunacy � a concentrated distillation of the worst fundamentalism has to offer. The odd part is the little heartfelt plea at the end, that unbelievers join him in his particular delusion, after he's called us stupid, corrupt, vile, everything but robbers of orphans and rapers of widows, and maybe even those too. I think the title of that piece sums up its author perfectly.

Till next week, everyone!

QueenofSwords

ExTheist

One of the best. Thank you Q. of S. The title reminds me of my college days when I was driving across country we kept seeing a sign for an aproaching Assembly of God Church, after seeing another sign my friend said "I thought god came pre-assembled"

NonHomogenized

:notworthy :notworthy :notworthy
We're not worthy!
We're not worthy!
We're not worthy!


Gee, I wish I could write a quarter as well as you do.
Thanks for yet another set of laughs!

anakata

As usual: \o \o \o \o

safeinacell

I..........
I..........
I..........

Words fail me.
Hang on

Thank you QOS for reinforcing my most strongly held beliefs

The world will never lack morons
:notworthy
But the sheer effort these nutters put into gettting them while they're young makes me want to laugh, puke, and scream in abject horror- all at once

Pierre Bezukhov

QOS,

Do you ever drop a note to the targets of your rapier wit to let them know you've left your "Z" on their front door? It would be a shame that we lowly serfs should reap the benefit of your wisdom and they remain in a state of fruitless ignorance.

Pierre

reverendmoss

What bothers me most are the ZONE terms - all of which are loaded words thematic with slavery: ownership, equip, submit.
Now, granted that I'm 'preaching to the choir' here, but it sickens me someone would allow the innocence and receptivity of a child to be misused in such a way as to have them give up their will to a church.
Bastards.

(btw - god comes preassembled ... that's hilarious)

Worldtraveller

QoS said"many fundamentalists make an effort to reach out to children, albeit with a rod"

Umm...this isn't about those Catholic priests again, is it??

"From the spleen to the little toe to the lower intestinal polyps, no body part is too low to be used to convert the damned"

Hey! Leave my polyps outta this.....ummm....what's a polyp??

the page says..."allow OWNERSHIP by uniting them with Christ and other Christians"

Ownership? Did someone forget to tell them about that whole emancipation thing?!?

Along this line, Charles M. Houser once wrote: "Atheism never composed a symphony. Never painted a masterpiece. Never dispelled a fear. Never healed a disease. Never gave peace of mind. Never dried a tear. Never gave an intelligent answer to the vast mystery of the universe. Never gives meaning to man's life on the earth. Never built a just and peaceful world. Never built a great and enduring civilization."

Maybe I can help you out a bit here, QoS....
Scientific discoveries made by them damn atheists!
http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/lewis/lewis03.htm
Not a list, but a bunch of quotes from various atheists who are artists, scientist, etc.
http://www20.brinkster.com/atheology/atheist_quotes.htm

As for the last bit.....I would have to say that we ARE trying to build a great and enduring civilization, but the fundies keep getting in the way!

"This God must work in the seedier kind of massage parlors. "

Oh geeze, don't make me laugh like that!

Hmm...maybe the assembly of god gets some kind of discount for not getting the pre-assembled version?
Another great one QoS!!! Keep 'em comin.
-Lane

Slavik91

They used to require assembly, but they changed their policy after John Smith hammered his together in a Homer Simpson-like manner.

Soyin Milka

Owie

That was the first time I took time to read your nutwatch review. I'm a fool for not having done so sooner!

Your talent as evangelical songwriter in particular are worthy of praise:

"This deserves a song, something along the lines of O come all ye faithful :
Don�t come, all ye frigid,
Knees pressed tight together,
Don�t touch, don�t fantasize or you will burn."

I rarely snort and laugh at the same time

But there's one thing I still wonder about...
What's the fundies' favorite f-word exactly?

Soyin