God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. 
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 
1. How did you find out about your deity? 

__ Newspaper 
__ Bible 
__ Torah 
__ Television 
__ Book of Mormon 
__ Divine Inspiration 
__ Dead Sea Scrolls 
__ My Mama Done Tol' Me 
__ Near Death Experience 
__ Near Life Experience 
__ National Public Radio 
__ Tabloid 
__ Burning Shrubbery 
__ Other (specify): _____________ 
2. Which model deity did you acquire? 
__ Yahweh 
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] 
__ Jehovah 
__ Jesus 
__ Krishna 
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] 
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] 
__ Allah
__ Satan 
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature 
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god 
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? 

__ Yes
__ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: 

__ Not eternal 
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos 
__ Not omniscient 
__ Not omnipotent 
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all reations) 
__ Permits sex outside of marriage 
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage 
__ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Michael Jackson) 
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people 
__ When beseeched, does not stay beseeched 
__ Requires burnt offerings 
__ Requires virgin sacrifices 
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. 
__ Indoctrinated by parents 
__ Needed a reason to live 
__ Indoctrinated by society 
__ Needed focus in whom to despise 
__ Imaginary friend grew up 
__ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense 
__ Hate to think for myself 
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys 
__ Fear of death 
__ Wanted to piss off parents 
__ Needed a day away from work 
__ Desperate need for certainty 
__ Like Organ Music 
__ Need to feel Morally Superior 
__ shiat was falling out of the sky 
__ My shrubbery caught fire and a loud voice commanded me to do it 
5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Mick Jagger 
__ Cthulhu 
__ Baal 
__ The Almighty Dollar 
__ Bill Gates 
__ Left Wing Liberalism 
__ The Radical Right 
__ Ra 
__ Beelzebub 
__ The Great Spirit 
__ The Great Pumpkin 
__ The Sun 
__ Elvis 
__ Cindy Crawford 
__ The Moon 
__ A burning shrubbery 
__ Other: ________________ 
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. 
__ Tarot 
__ Lottery 
__ Astrology 
__ Television 
__ Fortune cookies 
__ Dianetics 
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl 
__ Self-help books 
__ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
__ Biorhythms 
__ Alcohol 
__ Bill Clinton 
__ Tea Leaves 
__ The Internet 
__ Mantras 
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice 
__ Pyramids 
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies 
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Teletubbies 
__ Other:_____________________ 
__ None 
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)? 
a. More Divine Intervention 
b. Less Divine Intervention 
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right 
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention? 
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following: (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent)
A. Disasters: 
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5 
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 
war 1 2 3 4 5 
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 
plague 1 2 3 4 5 
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5 
AOL 1 2 3 4 5 
B. Miracles: 
rescues 1 2 3 4 5 
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 
getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5 
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): 
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by October 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are aproximately one in 6.023 x10 to the 23rd power, depending on number of beings entered). 
The Lutherans