Queen of Swords

Hello everyone, and welcome to a Nut in high places! I�m your host, QueenofSwords, and while I�ve often read of people who claim to have heard God (I like true crime books), the subject of this week�s Nutwatch was taken to heaven and delivered back to earth alive, albeit raving mad. This humble pastor was the focus of a great deal of angelic attention as well; whole armies of divine warriors battled their hellish counterparts over his safety before coming into his bedroom to play with his doggie (I mean that; it�s not a euphemism). It was all so exciting that the pastor was inspired to write a book about the experience, and this week�s Nutwatch does a Fahrenheit 451 on

Angels On Assignment

Right away you get the impression that editorial input was kept at a minimum, because this sounds more like Charlie�s Angels than anything religious. Perhaps the other books in the series are Angels on Asses (where the cherubim appear to porn stars) and Angels on Assimilation (what happens when cube meets cross). I knew this book would be a winner, however, when I read the foreward.

Who is Roland Buck?

He�s a character in a new animated series from Disney about the Wildlife Friends.

When we first heard of Roland Buck, we had been sharing the story of how God had placed a special warrior angel with us to protect us from the fiery darts of the devil until Jesus comes back.

A miracle in our time : whoever wrote the foreword to Assignments with Angels (the sequel to Dances with Wolves) did so with a straight face. However, in case you too are the devil�s dartboard (dartboards are red and black, just like hell, in case you fail to see the connection), rest assured that Buck Roland in the 21st century has some

Good News For You and Your Family

On the night of June 18, 1978, I went to bed at my usual time with no advance notice that something was about to happen which would change my entire life!

But that was the night that I stopped being a boy and became a man! Also, I learned how to launder the sheets!

�I was abruptly awakened when someone grasped my arms and sat me right up in bed!� there was just enough light from outside so I could detect the outline of a huge being.

Buck : Santa! Is it Christmas already? I want a pony, and a Lego set, and candy, and a Bikini Barbie. Uh, for my sister.

To say the least, I was frightened because he was so strong I couldn't free myself from his grip.

He should have called this book Gripped by an Angel. Hope he wasn�t Buck naked, so to speak. Much like a lemon or orange, he must have been squeezed hard enough to produce juice.

As we continued talking, he spoke so loudly I was sure he was going to wake up my wife who was asleep next to me. He didn't, but I wish he had!

Yes, the wife could have rescued him from the noisy, hard-gripping being that had invaded his room. We are not told why the angel spoke so loudly; perhaps he was slightly deaf and had to raise his own voice in order to hear it.

In an effort to get at God and to try to hurt him, satanic forces are

sneaking up behind him and giving him wedgies.

attacking the home, which is the closest thing on earth to God's heart. Homes are hurting and many times they do not understand why.

Perhaps these sentient homes could pool their financial resources and have the mystery solved by Sherlock Homes.

Then the angel said, "I am here right now leading a great band of angels

As opposed to what, a great band of baboons?

in order to clear the way, to scatter the enemies, to move away the roadblocks, and to let people know that the heart of God is warm toward them."

Angel : The heart of God was placed in a microwave under high power for approximately thirty (30) minutes, and when we removed it, behold, not only had it thoroughly defrosted, but it was even warm!
Buck : Yummy.

The angel told me to give the message, but I could not. I waited three weeks, and in the middle of the night, those same strong hands that had grasped my arms before, raised me up in bed and said,

�You piss me off again and there�ll be a horse�s head under your security blanky, capice?�

"You haven't given that message." I knew I was in trouble! I was still reluctant, so I asked the angel, "Since you are here, why don't I introduce you to the people and let you give the message to them?" He replied that God would not permit him to...

Angel : God doesn�t like it when we show ourselves to the sane.

I was especially cautious when I gave this message in church because the angel was there... He said, "Even though I will not give the message to the congregation, I want you to know that I am here, and I have my whole army of angels with me right now."

Just in case Pastor Buck was going to ask, �you and what army�. The angelic army then did a reenactment of the Battle of Eden, wherein they heroically vanquished two weaponless people.

It really excited me to know that angels were in the service! Then he said there were more angels there that night than people! How I wish we could have crystallized them to make them visible.

How I wish we could have dipped them in sugar and made angel cakes out of them, much like Girl Scout cookies. Ah, sweet male angel, how good thou wouldst taste.

There's an army at work right now. Wherever men and women honestly lay their loved ones

In bed, on the living-room sofa, on the kitchen table, in the shower, in the back seat of a car, etc.

out before God, those names are written on a very special list.

Kept and maintained by one Richard Nixon.

In the awesomeness of the presence of God's angels, I have often felt like Mary,

Pregnant?

who said, "May everything you said come true"

Mary : Because word has it that you�re the biggest liar in Judaea.

At times there are things which sound a little humorous in the ministry of angels�

You think?

but there is always a tremendous feeling of awe surrounding them because they come directly from the presence of God, and his glory comes with them.

So he�s left without glory? Poor God, I do hope the angels remember to return the glory when they�re done with it. Imagine how naked he must feel without his glory, especially since the angels made over twenty trips to the good pastor�s house, the most memorable of which are described in Chapter 2,

Ministry of Angels

About five weeks later� I noticed a bluish glow coming from the staircase� I was halfway down the stairs when the light flipped on! Standing before me were two of the largest men I had ever seen in my life!

One of them was dark green and half-naked! And he said, �Hulk smash!� What could this mean?

I was shocked!

Because the loose connection that caused the light to flip on then sent hundreds of volts through my body and fried my brain instantly.

I wasn't exactly frightened, but there was such a radiation of divine power which comes from them dwelling in the brightness of God's presence, that I could not stand up! My knees buckled,

my ankles strapped, my feet buttoned and my toenails zipped.

and I started to fall! One of these huge beings reached out, took hold of me, and my strength returned!

Um, took hold of you where exactly? Inquiring minds want to know.

He very simply told me he was the angel Gabriel! I was stunned! Could this be the same Gabriel I had read about in the Bible?

Gabriel : No, you twit, that�s Gabriel Huffield. I�m Gabriel Perez. Got it, or you need me to write it down so someone else can read it to you when you get confused again?

It is impossible to describe my feelings of awe and wonder! Then he introduced me to the second angel whose name was Chroni! Chroni? That's a peculiar name.

Unfortunately I said that aloud and Chroni promptly burst into tears while Gabriel beat me with his Rod of Angelic Smiting, +2 against Humans, +3 against the Legions of the Damned.

I never heard of that! Why not Mahalaleel, or Tubalcain, or Shadrach, Meshach or Abednego, Asyncritus, Phlegon, Philologus, Sosipater, or Onesiphorus?

Because he�s Gabriel�s crony, get it?

I had never thought of all the angels having names, and as it turned out, all having different APPEARANCES!

Gabriel : Dumb human thinks we�re all clones.

He said that in seeing what is happening throughout the whole earth, he detected a massive build-up of satanic forces who were planning to attack me� the angels were right here in Boise, Idaho, to defeat the enemy!

And to try some delicious mashed potatoes. How the angels knew the satanic strategy of the Legions of the Damned is unclear : perhaps they have a CIA, a Cherubim Intelligence Angelency, whose motto is �Angels we have heard on spy�.

I was a little concerned because I didn't want them standing around if the enemy was going to attack (I wanted them to be out fighting!) but he said, "We have already finished the job!"

�Now where�s our pay? We want hazard compensation and overtime, up front, no deductions, and the ACLU (Angels Claiming Loot Unlimited) will be on your ass if you try to stiff us!�

I asked him if they normally come in answer to a call for help."No," he replied, "if the Spirit waited until you knew about an attack, you would already be in trouble! This is not anything unusual. We are constantly holding back the enemy and putting them to flight!"

Gabriel : We can�t actually catch them or stop them from coming back, but other than that, we do a fantastic job!

Then he asked me to look out the window. I looked, and there were about a hundred of these big WARRING angels standing in the driveway. They had already finished their job an were just casually talking with each other!

Angel # 1: So, like, yeah.
Angel # 2: What up, dog?
Angel # 3: Cool, man.
Angel # 4: Dude.

It gave me a real good feeling to know that God has ways and means of taking care of his people!

Seriously, what is with Pastor Buck�s writing style, or lack thereof? He�s one step above �See Dick run�, and that step just broke.

He told me about different types of angels, such as praise angels, worship angels, ministering angels, and warring angels.

Strange how there were no Christmas-tree angels. No wait, I�ve got it � those are the spies, hiding undetected in our very homes, so therefore their very existence is hush-hush.

Also regardless of their function, their highest purpose is to EXALT the name of Jesus! When that name sounds in heaven or here on earth, they fall face down and worship him because he is so exalted!

So why doesn�t the Apollyonic Army just keep saying, �Jesus� so that the angels are forced to keep falling face down? Then the Hordes of Hell could simply kick their butts.

Some of the unique experiences God has blessed me with are so unbelievable from our human viewpoint

Pastor Roland Buck, master of the understatement.

that I am often hesitant to share them publicly. Here is one of them: During a visit one night, Gabriel said that God had sent me a little gift for my strength and energy as he handed me a round wafer approximately five inches in diameter and 5/8 inch thick, that looked like bread.

But was actually arsenic.

He instructed me to eat it; so I did. It had the taste of honey.

Unfortunately insulin was not provided, so I lapsed into a diabetic coma and died.

When I finished the bread, he gave me a silver-like ladle

Gabriel : Happy-like birthday, Buck! Hope you like this silver-like ladle, and Chroni is baking you a chocolate-like cake.

filled with what appeared to be water.

I could tell from the clouds of Anopheles larvae floating in it.

I drank every drop of it,

Gabriel : Goddamned human, so greedy he didn�t leave even a sip for us!
Chroni : (bursts into tears) I�m thirsty too!

and an overwhelming desire to praise and worship God instantly came over me. Rivers of praise billowed up to God, bubbling up out of my innermost being,

wetting my trousers.

and for days after I drank this liquid, there was a sensation of "fizzing" inside of my veins.

And a sensation of �vacuum� inside of my skull.

What an indescribably pleasant and exhilarating feeling it was! The effects were astounding because the first day after I ate the wafer and drank the water, I LOST FIVE POUNDS!

A mugger grabbed it from my purse, jumped on a double-decker bus and was gone before the bobbies could nab him. Bloody outrage, what?

The second day I LOST ANOTHER FIVE POUNDS! The third and fourth days ANOTHER FIVE POUNDS EACH DAY!

This is like some hysterical fundamentalist version of Stephen King�s Thinner. Next up, Gabriel and Chroni break the pastor�s legs and refuse to let him out of the house unless he writes a book for them!

Then it tapered off to about a pound a day. I had an excess of "flab," and that is all gone now.

Where have all the flabbers gone? Seriously, though, this sounds like amazing stuff. I can only hope the discarded fat, gone with the wind, went to some starving child in India who needed it more than Pastor Buck did.

When I jogged prior to this, I quickly became winded, but now I have no breath shortage at all. My strength and stamina have been fantastic!

The angels really ought to start their own Weight Watchers-type program; they could call it Heavenly Choice, or Jesus Craig.

As Gabriel was talking with me, Chroni, the other angel, played with Queenie, tickling her ears, getting her on her back and having fun with her.

You�ll be very relieved to know that Queenie was the author�s dog. On the other hand, maybe not; perhaps half-angel puppies are in poor Queenie�s future.

Gabriel went to the door and reached for the knob.

He caressed the knob slowly, sliding his grip back and forth while staring meaningfully at me.

He said he had to leave because of an urgent call of the Spirit,

We have calls of nature, they have calls of supernature.

but he said, "I have asked Chroni to stay here with you during this time while I am gone. I'll be back shortly."

Gabriel : Chroni likes playing with the doggie. Sit! Stay! Good Chroni!

It was so strange, because while I WAS LOOKING AT HIM, HE JUST VANISHED INTO THIN AIR. There was no flash,

So the photograph turned out very dark and unclear.

no sounds, no nothing. He just disappeared! One minute I was talking with a very solid, muscular individual,

Buck : I ran my trembling hands over the swells of his hard pectorals and corrugated abs� in order that I might be able to tell the world more about angels. Yes, that�s why I did it.

and the next instant there was nothing! All I could see was the place where he had been standing! He had completely vanished!

So let me get this straight : did he vanish?

Everyone seems to be interested in knowing something about the physical appearance of angels. No two of them look alike! They are different sizes, have different hair styles, and completely different appearances. Chroni has a hairdo much like many men have today,

And a bra much like many women have. Chroni the chross-dresser, they call him.

and he looks about twenty-five years old. I do not know what he would weigh in earthly pounds, but my guess would be close to 400 pounds.

He�s the one who needs the special weight-reducing liquid, then. Chroni, buddy, check your BMI and stop eating at Burger King of Kings!

He is huge, seven or more feet in height, and often wears a brown pull-over shirt and is casually, but neatly dressed in loose-fitting trousers. His shirt laces at the top with what looks like a shoelace.

It�s little details like this which lend a shining authenticity to the narrative. See, most people making up a story would just have put the angel in a generic robe. Chroni, however, browses Goodwill for his inimitable couture.

Gabriel often appears in a shimmering white tunic with a radiant gold belt about five inches wide, white trousers and highly polished, bronze-colored shoes. His hair is the color of gold!

Everywhere! He�s a natural blond! And he really hates that a type of pasta was named after his tresses, but he�ll kill you if you call him Goldilocks!

The reason for the blue glow I had seen earlier was that their entire clothing was radiant, with an iridescent glow! Their skin also had a glow!

Gabriel : Like it? We stopped for a quickie in Chernobyl and now I don�t need to turn the lights on to read!
Chroni : Whee! Lookit me, I�m a firefly!

And those eyes - I would recognize them anywhere! They were like balls of fire,

Buck : Gabriel� your eyes are like balls--
Gabriel : Why, thank you. And my balls are like eyes, did you know?

but there was such warm compassion you could actually feel it in their gaze! It seemed as though they looked right through me!

Gabriel : Hey Chroni, bet you don�t have X-ray vision like mine.
Chroni : (sob)
Gabriel : Oh, come on. The human has an ulcer and he�s not crying.
Chroni : I had an ulcer once. I called him Fred. God took Fred away and sent him to hell.

There is something about being in the presence of God that creates a glow or shine.

Vast quantities of Windex and an army of scrubbing angels to use them.

When Moses and Elijah came down to the mount directly from heaven and talked with Jesus, the disciples said they had "glistening" garments. They literally shone!

So how many disciples does it take to change a Moses? I hope the disciples didn�t clap in enthusiasm, though, because then Moses and Elijah would have been switched off. Despite commenting on this luminescent phenomenon, Pastor Buck does not specify whether he himself is currently emanating a hundred-watt glow, because, like Moses and Elijah, he too has been to heaven, and he describes his celestial caper in

My Visit to the Throne Room (Ch. 4, pages 49-61)

Followed by �My Visit to the Rest Room�, unless they were one and the same.

One Saturday night in January of 1977, at about 10:30 PM, I was seated at my desk, meditating, praying, and preparing my heart for Sunday.

The high priest would extract it with a sliver of obsidian and offer it as a sacrifice to our god.

I heard a voice say: "Come with me into the Throne Room where the secrets of the universe are kept!" I didn't have time to answer; space means nothing to God!

He�s the kind who gets up close against you and sorta rubs himself on you?

It was like a snap of the fingers - boom - and I was right there! Only then did I recognize that the voice I had heard speaking to me was the voice of the Almighty God!

Must have been a disappointment not to see strong muscular blond Gabriel again.

During this visit, God truly gave me a glorious glimpse of the hidden secrets of the universe; of matter, energy, nature and space, all bearing the same beautiful trademark.

The golden arches.

Then God said I could ask questions! My mind was whirling!

�But I soon asked the most important question of all. �Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?��

How does a human ask questions of God? It was so awesome being in his presence I could hardly think.

<pause>

Too easy. Let�s move on.

Finally a thought came into my mind to find out whether or not he actually made individual plans for each and every life, because for some reason or other, I felt this gigantic task would be too big even for God!

Maybe he should get an army of secretarial angels to protect him from the fiery darts of overwork and undercompetence.

In answer to my question, God let me see the vastness of his heavenly archies!

Did they hang out with his heavenly jugheads and veronicas?

I was really shocked after I found myself back in my chair, because I STILL HAD THE PAPER THAT GOD HAD GIVEN ME! I didn't know what to do with it, but there it was, right in my hand.

And he had even used it before giving it to me! Ah, the sweet godsmell on it! Seriously, though, I�m a bit concerned for the creator, if he hasn�t yet heard about email. Bad things could happen to a little piece of paper, God � the dog could eat it!

I knew he didn't want me to share it at that time,

God : The secrets of my archies are for your eyes only!

and it completely unnerved me. I carefully laid it on top of some other papers on my desk so nothing would happen to it and went home. My wife asked me why I was so pale and quiet.

I replied that I was doing an imitation of the current Michael Jackson.

I told her exactly what had happened, and we talked about my visit to the Throne Room for a long time. We finally went to bed, and I got up early Sunday morning and went to my office for another look at the paper. I discovered IT HAD TURNED TO ASHES!

Ashes to ashes, dirt to dirt; I laughed so much my stomach hurt. This is one of the funniest books I�ve ever found, and the Nutwatch only scratches the surface of its looniness, since there are about a dozen chapters that I haven�t read. The good pastor doesn�t seem to have progressed beyond the storytelling skills of a five-year-old, including the breathless buildups to a capslock climax, and each time he has a chance to provide evidence, something fails � wife snores on, paper self-destructs, etc. And I�ll bet Chroni never called Queenie the next day, either.

Till next week, everyone!

QueenofSwords

Queen of Swords

Just in case anyone's wondering, this Nutwatch was finished early, so I decided to go ahead and post it on Saturday. I won't be doing that every week, though.

Silent Dave

Non-praying Mantis

QueenofSwords and Silent Dave:

ROTFLAMO!!!

NPM

Zadok001

:notworthy @ Dave!

QoS, it should be noted that these nutwatches are fucking addictive. :notworthy :notworthy

dublczek

That's great, Silent Dave!!!!! What's that at the bottom of the card? It doesn't say Wizards of the Coast. I can barely read it.

:notworthy :notworthy :notworthy

squiddy

You know, what's sadder than the fact that Roland Buck actually got this book into print is the fact that there are people who actually believed him enough to put this piece o' crap up on a website where people might actually read it.

You hit the nail on the head there, QoS! Everything this Buck character came up with sounds just like the stories my mother-in-law tells. Except my M-I-L is a paranoid schizophrenic who has been institutionalized for a good part of her adult life, and at least has an excuse!


Oh, but there are! Would you like me to send you some of my M-I-L's "art" work?

Defiant Heretic

This might be the best one yet. Well done, Queen.

tgamble

:notworthy :notworthy

Entropic_Gnosis

:notworthy excellent *holds onto self to prevent laughter pains* What truely amazes me about this book is that it was published, especially in light of the very inferior writing style.