Dark Cobra

I am a teenager and for a long while now I have been dealing with feeling attraction.

I have come to associate love and relationships with "pop culture", ie jocks, cheerleaders, Britney Spears and the like, and as it is a non-intellectual emotion (hard to explain, figure it out) so I have a negative view of it to begin with.

I am an atheist, skeptic, and my line of thinking is more adult than teenager... some may doubt that, but I feel it's true from my interactions on the web. But that's a different discussion...

Now, the chances of me finding anyone remotely like me are astronomical, as I am eccentric, somewhat nerdy, and my interests are practically science, philosophy (reasoning), and intelligent discussions.

If I could have someone, I would choose someone who is like me-- I do not deal with differing opinions and ideas very well, especially on philosophic issues such as religion (I'm a bit of a militant atheist, but I dislike atheists that are not justified in their idea).

Before you shout that there are plenty of fish in the sea, please realize that fishermen do not catch every fish, they only catch a few compared to the actual total number of fish. I will not meet every available person. And there very well could only be one other fish out there that remotely resembles me, the chances of me meeting them are very low. Also, I must, regrettably, be physically attracted to them or no relationship can form.

Sure, you say, "wait until college". While college will weed out some of the imbeciles, I doubt it's going to be the haven so many people make it out to be.

These desires will be with me my entire life. I want to be rid of them so my life is a little easier.

This whole post was to give you an understanding of why I feel this way.

How do I take away the need for romantic affection?

:boohoo:

Jayjay

This sounds very much like myself 5-10 years ago! My advice is to keep doing what you're doing now, thinking about what these emotions are exactly and where they come from. Experiment with your feelings inside your head... you'll notice that you can on one hand easily be attracted to almost anyone who fills certain criteria, and on the other hand you'll notice how superficial this attraction is when you get to the bottom of it. It's all just pointless sex drive messing up with your mind. The real question is, are you going to let it control you, or are you going to control it?

On the other hand, it's an uncomfortable thought to think that you might never actually find a companion of a romantic sort. Dying alone and all that. These feelings can be, in my opinion, be dispensed if you keep your focus on the future. College, or even after college. Take a somewhat nietzschean stance that until you've perfected yourself you have no right to start fooling around with relationships, and once you have "grown up" so to speak your options will be a lot more varied (although there's really no guarantee that you'll find someone exactly like yourself). And if all else fails, well, living alone isn't probably that bad either; more time for your intellectual hobbies.

The bottom line is that the emotional crap won't be going away, but rational thought is a good long-term antidote.

Bree

College is a haven. Especially if you go to a smallish high school. In college, people really don't care about as many things as they did in high school - shit, we go to class in our pyjamas and still manage to get dates. I didn't think it was so when I was in high school because it was hard to see the forest from the trees, so to speak.

However, you'll still need to give people the benefit of the doubt. I know how hard it is; when I started college I automatically thought everyone I met was just as shallow-minded, Britney-Spears-orientated as everyone I'd gone to high school with. Branching out was hard because I had to learn to trust a little and not be so cynical. Be prepared for this to come slowly - years of ingrained "oh boy, here comes another village idiot" is a hard to break habit.

AspenMama

This belongs in the Coffeehouse as this isn't really a Secular Life issue.
AspenMama, SL Moderator

Don't try. I'm 37 and still have that need! It is a part of life-- and can seem overwhelming at times but passion can be a wonderful thing. For now just try to apply it to some hobby and bide your time 'till college. I can tell you that is the time and place to meet intelligent and compatable and passionate partners!

//riot of disorder::

Hey DC! Long time no see. You should really come back to LUE.

Also, try not to mess up here like you did on randi.org? Thanks.

Wyrdsmyth

Don't take everything -- including yourself -- too seriously.

Don't worry about finding a perfect match. That may take a long time, or it may never happen at all.

Learn to be able to be more tolerant of people different than you are, and to be able to date and be friends and just have fun, even if you don't think they're a "perfect match" for you
(* Sadly, it took me a long time to learn this one).

Don't be condescending and tell everyone how much more 'adult' you are than they are, and how you're 'above' everyone else. Most will just interpret that as arrogant or delusional. If you behave maturely, they'll come to their own conclusions, you don't have to tell them how you are.

Always be honest, but not unnecessarily blunt. Learn the difference. Learn tact.

Remember if you're intolerant and 'militant' in your own views, although you may feel it's justified, a lot of other people are just going to see you as being very negative and down on everything, and, well, a jerk. And that is very unattractive. I'm not saying pretend to be what you're not. Just maybe to learn to accept people who think and see things differently than you, and they'll be more inclined to accept your differences, too.

Girls like flowers, but not if they smell like desperation.

You're going to have a lot of unsuccessful relationships, that end badly, for you or the other person. In fact, you'll have way more of these than the successful kind that never end. So it pays to learn how to be friends with someone even if they broke your heart. Don't hold a grudge. One of my best friends now is a girl who dumped me ten years ago.

Oh, yeah, and smile more.

I hope that helps... Those are the things I'd say to my teenage self, if I could send a message back in time, twenty years. Maybe people did say them to me, over the years, and I just didn't listen, and had to learn it on my own through experience. But anyway, good luck.

DarkBronzePlant

You don't. The best you can do is involve yourself in other interests to take your mind off of your romantic affection needs. But you can't actually take away the need.

Stiletto One

*yawn*

Not to sound insensitive or anything (I'm 17, myself, and I had pretty much the same "I don't need a girlfriend" attitude), but someone will come along and just sort of grab you by the balls (ovaries?), so to speak. You'll just find yourself paired off one day, and you won't even know how the hell it happened. At least, that's what happened to me. I wasn't expecting to find anyone even remotely compatible before I turned 50 or something, and it turned out that that 'anyone' found me.

Hope that helps.

Meantime, sit back, relax, and try to stave off the coffee habit as long as possible.

As for the "relationships and love are part of pop culture" thing, it's pretty simple IMO. If you take your relationships seriously and actually care about your significant other(s), then that automatically takes you out of the pop culture system of having a boyfriend/girlfriend just for the sake of appearances.

//riot of disorder::

DC, you really need to come back to LUE. Get CJayC to take off your KOS.

Loren Pechtel

Well, I was finding the search quite hopeless--the one time I was interested in a second date she wasn't. Most of the time I could see a red flag before even asking them out.

Then one day there was this person I had known for months, been attracted to but I had dismissed as being unavailable. Only I was mistaken. She had been operating under the same misconception, also. That was 17 years ago. We've been married for the last 15 of them.