Ted Hoffman

I would like to know why a woman who is engaged to be married would spend time with (married) men even when her fiancee is unhappy about it.

What does it say about the woman?
What kinds of needs would bring about this kind of behaviour?
What would motivate her to do this sort of thing?

What options does the fiancee have if he has talked to her and yet she goes on with the same behaviour (from one man to another)?

(Of course we are talking about me here )

Ted Hoffman

And don't tell me to ask her. I have already done that.

MzNeko

When you say "spend time" do you mean in dating sense?

If not, maybe they're just friends and she likes hanging out with them.

Jewel

Is there something wrong with women (committed or not) having male friends? I certainly don't think so.

If she isn't spending time with them in a "dating" sort of fashion (i.e. they are just friends), I think you need to ask yourself is "Why is it bothering you?".

Daleth

If "spending time with" means friends hangin' out or just meeting potential new friends:

What does it say about the woman?
That she values friendship and isn't willing to give it up on somebody's demand or request. She enjoys the company of other humans.

What kinds of needs would bring about this kind of behaviour?
The need for friendship. A lot of women get on better with men than with other women. It doesn't devalue the fiancee. If these people are jut friends, their gender shouldn't matter to him.

What would motivate her to do this sort of thing?
Again, friendship. Companionship. Laughs. Conversation. Nearly all people need more than one other person in their lives. Perhaps she gets along well with men and considers married men "safe."

What options does the fiancee have if he has talked to her and yet she goes on with the same behaviour (from one man to another)?
Tell her why it bugs him, and see if she can explain why it shouldn't. Learn to respect that he can choose not to hang out with her friends, but doesn't have the right to veto them. Or ditch her, but don't try to control her life.

If she's dating or something like that, it's a different issue.

brighid

Iron Monkey,

If you could provide some context that would be helpful. An engaged woman is going to have many occassion to spend time in the company of married men, rather unavoidable I think.

I would think you would be less upset about her spending time with men who have established, committed, love relationships then with single men who might be seeking her affections. Although I find no problem with committed partners spending time with single persons of the opposite sex.



It could say any number of things, but without some more back ground information it is really impossible to even make an educated guess about these things. The same can be said for you other questions as well.

I would first suggest asking yourself why does it bother you so much that she spends time with members of the opposite sex? You have the option to compromise on the situation, and you have the option to end the relationship if it is such a problem.

As a married woman I have no problem with my husband hanging out with married, or single women. He has regular interaction with a number of different attractive females through his work. I trust him and I feel no need to limit his activity. However, he does ask me if I would be comfortable with certain situations that might appear to be questionable (such as a single woman who has a bad reputation at this work, asking only him out to drinks after work to thank him for help on a project others worked on. I was uncomfortable with that particular situation and he opted to have lunch with her instead.) I plan on attending an event with my friends husband without either of them present. It's not an issue because each of us trusts our spouses and we enjoy each other company. It just so happens his wife doesn't appreciate the finer points of the Shotokan fighting championships that he and I share a mutual love of.

Are there trust issues that are surfacing in this particular situation that are causing you so much distress over her spending time with other men?

Brighid

GunnerJ

Since this isn't a secular support issue, it should go to the lounge.

HelenM

What did she say? Did she say she'd stop spending time with other married men but she hasn't stopped?

Did she say she doesn't see what's wrong with it?

Am I right in thinking that this happens when she is away i.e. it's not a matter of her spending time with them instead of you, but her spending time with them when spending time with you is not an option?

I'm not asking that to defend her but just for purposes of clarification.

In general I would defend the right of women to have other friends but I also think it's important that a couple agree on what faithfulness to their relationship means and it seems that you feel she is being unfaithful to you - which I would say is a problem that you and she need to resolve. If she is only happy when she's having relationships that make you unhappy, then that doesn't bode well for your long-term relationship with her.

Helen

Luiseach

BTW, why do you address your queries to women? :-D

Majestyk

1) Dump her. Get over it. Find someone new who is more sensitive to your sensitivities. Then she can spend as much time as she wants with whomever she wants without it bothering you.

2) Get married. Let her spend as much time as she wants with whomever she wants without, you commenting on it. You do the same.

3) Intimidate anyone who she is spending time with her in such a manner that they have the impression that spending too much time with your her would be unhealthy. Be prepared to spend time in court and incarcerated.