Arvel Joffi

I'm sorry you lost your mom. You don't have to beat yourself up for feeling like this; you just miss your mom. Everyone gets a little angry when they're grieving and this woman provides you with a target for your anger. You might even consider telling her how you feel.

It's certainly a good thing that you at least recognize your feelings, now you just have to do your best to be the master of them. This new woman will never replace your mother, but I seriously doubt that she would ever try, and you may eventually find yourself thankful to her that she has come into your father's life and made him a little happier. This is actually completely separate from your relationship with your mother. Your father needs comfort, too, and in many ways it has nothing to do with you, just as you may search for comfort in ways that have nothing to do with your father.

Arvel Joffi

brighid

Pseudonymph,

I really don't have much to add, but to say that I feel your reaction is pretty normal given the situation. This has got to be a tough time for every one right now. I do agree with the others that have said the best course of action is simply to honest with your dad and his new wife, letting them know you understand your feelings aren't completely rational (although very valid) and you are simply having a difficult time of it now. I don't know how your father is, but as a mother and if my son was in the same situation I can't imagine being anything other then understanding and consoling to him. I hope I don't ever have to test that, but any loving parent truly hurts when their child is in pain.

Maybe some alone time with your dad is in order and quite possibly a great big hug. Hopefully with time, this situation will get easier to deal with. It's so difficult when your emotions are still so raw.

I am very sorry your lost your mother. That is a very difficult thing to endure.

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

Brighid

4th Generation Atheist

My mom died back in '96 and my dad married someone else a couple of years later.

I cope with that all right. My dad is someone I can't imagine being happy alone, and before he found ____ he'd been getting awfully depressed. The woman he married is a nice person, looks after my dad just fine and has her own unique place in the family.

I never saw her as trying to "replace" my mom, though a younger sibling did. This caused some friction, and the sibling in question still finds ____'s company grating, but that may be due to other personality differences they have. Or perhaps it's related to one's age at the time of the death. There's a considerable age difference in our case, and the sibling was still living with the 'rents when the whole awful thing, a years' worth of degenerative disease and an untimely, undignified death, happened. I was already well out on my own.

But the new person could never replace Mom, and she likely won't in your case either---but not because you're selfish. Rather, it's because people aren't interchangeable. Hopefully, she'll be smart enough not to try.

The death and subsequent change in your father's relationship situation is still recent, and it isn't surprising that it smarts. You're still grieving. If the new woman has any sense she'll let you alone, unless you choose to talk to her. If she sticks around, it may well get easier later, as your mother becomes a treasured set of memories and everyone becomes a clearly unique person. If she doesn't, you'll have had internal practice on this issue for when others arrive.

Put together a photo album. Keep tapes of phone messages. Choose a few treasured objects to become part of your little legacy. But---this is important---store these things in a safe place, where you can get them out when you're in the mood, but not in plain sight.

One more thing. One of the best moves my dad made, eventually, was to sell the family home and move out. That was emotionally hard for all of us, but now that he's in a completely new home with his new wife, it definitely is a new situation, not a "new mom". If your dad needs to do this and you find yourself resentful, it helps to keep that in mind.