Pseudonymph

My mother died earlier this year for reasons still unknown. (the obituary says rare blood disease as that's the closest they could get to diagnosing anything).

She's actually my stepmother, but has been more like a real mom should be, then my biological mom. So I usually refer to her as my mom to other people....I still miss her terribly and think of her often.

I remember, back then(she died on June 30th) that I was hoping that my dad could find someone, anyone to share his life with again. He kept saying he lost it all and he could never see himself remarrying. Let me give you some quick background info...My dad's been married three times, and was never truly happy untill he was with this woman. They had only been married for about 8 years when she died, but they did so much together, and always seemed right for each other. So when she died I didn't know what to expect.

Ok, here's why I'm writing this...I guess my dad is sort of dating one of his friends(who was also a good friend to my stepmother) I guess I should have noticed something sooner but she has been around the house more and more lately when I stop by to visit.

And today, when I went through the garage to my dad's house, as it opened, I saw the womans car, where my mom's used to be. And my first thought was, "Who the fuck do you think you are? Get out of her spot!" and I just broke down right then and there. I guess it was just symbolic to me, as if I could see this woman taking her place.

I've known this woman for awhile myself, but I just can't see my dad with anyone else.

The struggle is, of course, that it doesn't matter how I feel....what matters is that he's happy and able to live his life. That's what's so confusing to me. How can I know that, yet still harbour such resentment.?

She seems like a nice enough person, but she'll never replace my mother to me. I mean, my dad still has all these pictures everywhere of her, and her voice is still the voice on the answering machine. (to this day I still call when I know that no one's home, just to hear her) And I wonder how it seems he's able to move on so quickly.

I know I'm being selfish and I'm sorry...but this hurts and I don't know what to do.

sakrilege

Get a recording of that answering machine message if you find comfort in it.

It's hard. My mom remarried after 9 years of widowhood. John is not easy to like and it is easy to resent his being around. But it is your dad's life and you need to keep reminding yourself. Maybe you can make a point of talking about the good times with your mom when you are by yourselves.

Gurdur

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do --- it's normal --- just try not to blame the new woman too much.

Talk about it to friends as much as possible.

HelenM

No-one can ever replace your stepmom. I can't imagine that your Dad has really 'begun' to be over her.

Maybe you can say something to your Dad when no-one outside your family is around, like "I really miss Mom" and you can grieve and remember her together. And that might help you not to feel resentful of this woman whose company is evidently a comfort to your Dad. Perhaps you feel like you not only lost your stepmom but now you're losing him to this other woman at a time when you really need him. I expect he wants to be there for you as much as he can be - maybe you need to say something, though - maybe he doesn't know what to say.

Anyway, I haven't been through a loss like this so please ignore what I said if it makes no sense. I'm sorry; it must be very hard

Helen

beejay

Of course not. And she probably is not trying to.

My mother died 1 1/2 years ago and my father is seeing a family friend. It bothers me a little, and I think that's a common feeling among "children".

I talk with my Dad about Mom, remembering the good times. I try to remember that my father needs to lead his own life and I can't know what he's been through. He needs to find his own happiness in life.

I can't offer much advice except to tell you that your feelings are not uncommon. Talk to you Dad about it, but try not to tell him how he should be living his life, or what he should be doing to honor your mother's memory.

Good luck.

Koiyotnik

I think I can (hopefully somewhat) relate to your story, Pseudonymph. Back when I was six, my mother passed away from stomach cancer. I was a bit too young to really understand the situation, so it impacted me less than it did my older brother.

Anyhow, my dad didn't even start seeing other people until about seven or eight years later. He finally met up with my now-stepmother, and proposed to her after knowing her for, to me, a considerably short while. When he told me that he was going to propose to her, I became incredibly upset, and stormed up to my room. (I still feel horrible about that, really.) It all worked out in the end, of course.

As it is, my father, brother and I don't generally talk about my mother's death. I think it's become an uncomfortable situation. My advice to you is to not let this happen with you and your father. I wish that I could talk with him about memories of my mom, as few as they are, but it's just not an approachable subject. With your stepmother's death being recent, I suggest that you keep that communication open, so that it doesn't develop like it did with my family.

-Koiy.

Shake

(((((Pseudonymph)))))

My wife's best friend lost her mom about 2 years ago, and her dad has since remarried. What helped the wife's friend (call her H) is that the new woman is very different from H's mom, so it's easier on H. H's dad is happy, and the woman is nice (I met her once) so as much as H didn't want to like her, she couldn't help it, plus she wanted her dad to be happy.

Also, don't forget this is going to be hard on this friend of your dad's, especially if she knew them both. I'm not saying to put yourself second, but look at it from her perspective as well. Try to have a good long talk between just you and your dad about it all. It'll help both of you.

Good luck! We're here for you!

tronvillain

Sorry to hear you're having a rought time Pseudonymph. I won't offer advice as I am completely unable to picture myself in your position. *hug*

christ-on-a-stick

Hey SirenSpeak....er... Pseudonymph... ((((Angel))))

I missed this thread until now. I'm so sorry that you are going through this rough time... I would echo the sentiment that your feelings are very natural and to be expected, and that communication (with your Dad) and venting as needed (here and wherever else you can get support) are the best remedies.

One more hug (((Angel)))

Hope you are holding up well.

Lauri

Dibble Helix

I'm sorry for your loss, I lost my mum in November - it sucks I know.

Of course it matters how you feel - It matters to you, and I am sure it matters to your dad and to his new partner.

Because you're human. What's important is that you recognise that you have confused feelings about it.

It takes a long time to come to terms with the loss of a parent. Don't expect to be 'over it', and to have dealt with all the issues, within a matter of six months - you are asking too much of yourself. I can promise you it gets better with time.

Try talking to your dad about things - if you think you can.

Love Dibble