Booyakasha!

ATHEIST: You know what you religious believers remind me of? Little children. I mean, let’s face it, there is absolutely zero difference between “God�? and the Tooth Fairy. We invented the Tooth Fairy to make life less scary for children. They’re afraid of the pain associated with losing their baby teeth, so we tell them a magical fairy will sneak into their room and kick them down some f#ckin’ cash for their teeth. You got kids tying strings to their teeth and slamming bedroom doors just to get the loot! People are also afraid of dying, so we tell them not to worry, because when they die they will go to a magical land in the sky, where angels are flying around with wings and people are playing f#cking harps.

REVEREND: How do you account for the fact that millions upon millions of people believe in God and Jesus?

ATHEIST: Millions upon millions of kids believe in the Easter Bunny! Does that mean he’s real? But you know who “God�? really reminds me of? Santa Claus. God and Santa are both myths we invented to keep people in line. Some old guy with a white beard who lives in a mysterious, magical place where we can never see him. He can perform miracles, and he’s always watching. He knows if we’ve been naughty or nice. If you’re nice, you get rewards -- presents, eternal life in Heaven. And if you’re naughty, you get a lump of coal, or a bath in the unquenchable flames of Hell for eternity. When kids reach a certain age, we expect them to figure out that Santa is BS. But how come you f#cking guys have never figured out that “God�? is BS? And at least Santa’s followers aren’t running around using him as an excuse to divide humanity or wage these fucking wars.

REVEREND: This is Blasphemy.

ATHEIST: Do I look worried?