beth

There has been a death in my husband's family. Before, I could have offered comfort by offering prayer and saying religious things, but most of them now know I lack belief and I'm at a loss of what to say beside I'm sorry. I am fearful if I am not rather low key in my support, I'll be attacked that I believe in nothing after death. I realize I my atheism would provide an excellent vent and distraction from grief.

Please, I would like any suggestions on how to handle comforting the family and a kind and tactful way to respond if my personal beliefs are attacked. I do not want to cause others pain right now by flying off the handle with them.
Thanks.

Viti

Offer physical comfort. Cook a weeks worth of meals and individually freeze them, offer to watch the kids or pets so arrangements can be made/grieving can be done privately. Act as a hostess at the wake...taking coats, serving food. Write down the names of everyone who sent flowers/cards, etc and address thank you notes for the immediate family members to send. If you were close to this person, do a secular reading or write a poem or speak of a nice memory at the memorial (whatever is appropriate for the service). Grief doesn't stop at the funeral. Arrange to drop by and call at least weekly for some time...help write out bills, or do some grocery shopping, or get the oil changed in the car....whatever the family won't feel like doing for themselves.

These things are what can really help...offering silly platitudes like "He's in Heaven" or whatever don't serve any practical purpose. If someone attacks your beliefs, I would explain that they are being very inconsiderate and uncouth and that it is not the proper time or place for the discussion...or simply say your feelings are with and concerns are for the remaining family and leave it at that. You can be sorry, and miss a person, and feel empathy for the grieving family without belief in God.

Hands that help are better than lips that pray.

Give me 5 atheists who care enough to act over a million believers praying when the chips are down.

NearNihil Experience

"The Death" crept up in my family twice this year. I'll tell ya what I always do.

I say that as long as I'm alive, He\She will always be in my memories and that as the one left behind living, it is up to me to ensure their immortality by passing along stories and memories of that person to others for them to remember also and pass
along....

And that I hope someday I am well enough remembered for my life and deeds that others will do the same for me.

After saying all of that, you usually don't need to say anything about atheism. They either figure it out, or are teary-eyed by your touchingly personal answer.

Understand that these people are having a much harder time accepting this death and their own if they are making up and believing ghost stories and pie-in-the-sky. You are the fountain of strength they may need at some point because they probably don't have it. And you can be a great help by remaining cool and passive.

I'm sure its frustrating not wanting to say "you people are just weird", and,
(in a raving preachers voice, jump up on the coffin) "Believe, convert, the light of truth in annihilation is upon you!!" , "Gone, your soul and light, and life....cast into nothingness and forgotten on the waters of time!!" " Give up your old God and take the new truth that sets you free from fear of death!! Kill God, kill God, kill God........

I know I get the urge.....

Just be patient, people aren't goning to want to stir up trouble at a time like this. Neither do you Be gentle and just be quick on you toes. And be sympathetic. I don't know how well you knew the deceased, but be a good listener and nod alot. I wouldn't suggest being chipper, though.

Remain unassuming and if someone says, "Isn't it nice that we'll get to see them again with Jesus, God willing , Amen?"

Just say, "Why yes, that would be nice." ...and go on to someone else.

Good luck and sympathies for you and family.

nessa20x

When my best friend died I had to deal with all sorts of grief from relatives. I'm an atheist and they're not. My friend asked me to pray and I tried even though I didn't believe in it...some of the relatives said that if I'd had enough faith I might have helped him. They also said things that unintentionally hurt me such as..."He's in a better place now", He's happier now"...etcetc

I just tried to be as nice as I could to his family and friends and ignored the comments. I was good friends with James but not the others so I just kinda drifted away from them. Of course this is not a great option in every case so...

Jeffrey Formosa

If person who dies say he went to heaven or some thing, who cares if your lieing just do it. There is some thing after death just pick one, I would say what ever makes them happy.

AspenMama

Jeffrey-- there are much better ways to offer another secular comfort rather than lying in order to make someone happy. It is not a time to be confrontative about their beliefs, obviously, but it in my opinion it is never right to compromise your own beliefs. I believe that the greatest respect you can offer another is to offer them your honesty.

cjack

Beth,

I don't know the exact situation (how close you were to this person, how long they lived, etc.), but I've found that the best way to comfort those who've lost someone is to focus on celebrating the life of the person they lost, rather than focusing on the loss itself, or the afterlife that the person might be enjoying.

I had a girlfriend once who had never experienced the death of a family member, while I'd already been through several, including my father's death.

I tried to get her to focus on how incredibly lucky she was to have her great-grandmother in her life, and how fortunate she was to have been able to share her life with a woman who lived to be over 100 years old.

At the other end of the spectrum, I helped a good friend of mine deal with the death of his son, who was born prematurely and died before his due date. I tried to impress upon my friend how incredibly lucky he was to be able to spend an entire week with a son who would never have survived or even been born alive if it weren't for modern medicine.

In between these two exreme examples, I lost a college buddy/fraternity brother of mine in a terrible car wreck. He was 25, and had his whole life ahead of him.

Yet rather than mourn the loss of his future life, or speculate on his status in the afterlife, his parents (and I'm paraphrasing the words, though I'll always remember the sentiment) said "you know, he gave us 25 of the best years of our lives, and for that we are eternally grateful. And while we're sad that he's gone, we'll always treat those years as the greatest gift we've ever received."

In short, rather than offer empty platitudes about heaven and gawd, you should focus on celebrating the life of the deceased.


Your beliefs should not be an issue.

ChiaPet

I know what you're going through. My wife's mother died 12/23. She was a devout Lutheran, of the liberal variety, and a pillar of her church. The family also lost two of their other matriarchs in 2003. Bad year for the Lutherans. Most of the family know we are heathens, but it hasn't been a problem.

One thing I have noticed, and it is screamingly obvious, is that the comforting fictions of heaven and "at least they are all together now", etc., really doesn't seem all that comforting to the Lutherans. They hurt, they cry, they suffer and grieve. I notice no difference in suffering between my atheist wife and her Lutheran cousins. Why would one be so sad if one was convinced that the deceased "flew home like a shooting star" to a new existence of beauty and light? (Sojourner Truth, quoted in the service amid much incongruous weeping.)

I think grieving is basic, biological, buried deep in the animal hind-brain someplace, and afterlife fictions are like a thin mask or bandaid floating on top, with no ability to actually alleviate the deeper suffering. On the other hand, I think my MIL was comforted believing these things as she was dying. I never saw her appear afraid and she told me the only regret she had was not getting to see how everything turns out (grandchildren, etc.). Why she can't see how things turn out from her cloud in Heaven, I didn't ask. Maybe she didn't believe it all that deeply either.

What helps: hugging, assisting with notifying everyone, sharing pictures and memories, helping with chores. Food...only if they need it. Thoughtful people brought us more food than we could fit in the fridge and nobody ate it. Want some?

Your family may be different, but nobody's said anything to us about our lack of belief. No reason for us to bring it up either. You could say things that focus on the life of the deceased, "I really liked him/her." "Remember that time when..." "S/he was always so good at..." "S/he once told me..." That stuff seems more comforting than the religious politeness, even among the theists.

Hang in there.


Don

Leah

Since there is nothing to follow this life, and nowhere to meet again, keeping the achievements of a person in memory and holding such high, is to me an important aim.

What is it that this person you lost made him most memorable?
When my boyfriend died, it was his guitar-playing and singing that remained something memorable to me, and I kept such in honour.
When a lady that way a mother to me went, she left me with the gift of gardening and her love of roses and bluebells.
When I go, my quilt will be hopefully make me live on.

Even an atheist will never completely go, as long as he/she leaves something behind for others to remeber one.

Jeffrey Formosa

How do you know there is no afterlife. Believe want you want but if you put your beliefs above people's feelings you are as bad as the Christians who tell people there going to hell. Try not to talk about it but if it comes up say what the dead person beliefes in.

Every one is deferent, heaven helps for some and doesn't help others, they may have less faith or think the worst thought at the worst time.