StupidSexyJesus

Before I forward this on to the White House, Congress and Churches across America, I was hoping to have some objective input from those who are not under the yoke of faith.

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Wingnuttians -

Acting out of concern for My Big Brother, I do deliver this letter and kindly request that you immediately take action upon reading it.

I have been taking late night calls from Him since the Nancy Raygun Era, but the frequency and raw emotion appears to be hitting a critical juncture. I believe My Brother is reaching a breaking point and may just decide to quit his job for good. Look, the Guy hasn't had a real vacation since Jimmy Carter was in office! My Intuition is telling me that this is headed for disaster and our Fathers don't seem to be doing anything to stop it.

So, give Him a moment of your time and a little sympathy, O.K.?


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Dear Wingnuts of America,

I, your Lord Satan, do hereby plead with you to temporarily cease and desist all Sinful Activities.

Now, I understand that you may find this to be odd, considering the Source, but I have very real and extant reasons to do so:

1. I am simply over-whelmed up here! The shear volume of Applicants you have sent since The Ike Years has stretched my social services to the limit. Not only am I suffering from an acute lack of skilled laborers, budget cuts - you know, but you guys have gone absolutely exponential on Me! Please keep in mind that all employees of Satan Industries Inc. are under-paid volunteers from the Perfection of Purgatory and are doing this out of the kindness of their hearts. They are taking time off from their families and friends to perform this noble duty, please give them a moment's rest. Since their Health Benefits, Vacation Time and Pensions were cut in the 1980's, keeping them here and happy has been an increasingly daunting challenge. Recently, I have had to take the unprecedented step of hiring Temps from Heaven. As these souls are notorious for their laziness, sticky fingers and complete lack of any discernable 'work-ethic', I am coming to regret the necessity of having them. To add insult to injury, My Fathers make me pay transportation expenses to get them here. Pulling souls from the Fiery Center of the Earth is costly and time consuming, mind you. Also, all those crying babies in Heaven really get on my nerves.

2. Trouble with The Plan. I never realized how wildly successful would be My efforts to take control of the GOP. In retrospect, if I can pin it down, all My Troubles started in the 60's. When Karl Rove came soliciting My Help, all full of Malignant Grandeur and a very Persuasive Sales Pitch, I really thought he was on to something. After I agreed to his Proposal, signed all the forms and sealed it with a Blood-Brother Hand Shake, I mistakenly assumed I could handle it. Sheesh, was I wrong. The entire fiasco has been totally out-of-control since Nixon came along. Then Nancy Raygun rushed in, propagating Evil faster than shit through the proverbial goose, only confounding me further. Finally, the Ascension of The Chimperor in 2000 caught Me completely unawares.

3. Construction Delays. The sorely needed expansion project on The Moral Hypocrite Level has been halted due to chronic trouble with the Subcontractors (shoddy work, hiring of Illegals, missing materials, etc.). Over-crowding in there is extreme at this point. And you guys keep sending me thousands more each day! Please Stop! Resorting to taking beds from the (mostly empty) True Remorse Project is a real thorn in my side, to be honest. When I built that wing in the Late '60's, I had expectations that it would be full by now. I hope you can fathom the depth of My disappointment on this specific issue.

4. Worn-out, Antiquated Equipment. I haven't seen one single new torture device since The Jehovahs decided to let that Dante character do his remodeling job. Our technology advancement was frozen at enclosed sewers, if you need some perspective. I have a long simmering resentment that I was not allowed to give input into that process, I might add. His choice of a colour-scheme is a crime against nature, just for starters. Well, not to gripe, but these creakity old devices are not up to the task of meeting out punishment to Evangelicals. It is very, very hard to get through that kind of a massive delusion complex - I need some of the cool toys your modern science has invented recently to feel absolutely confident I can break these sinners. Look, we don't even have a single microwave!

4. Computer problems and our upgrade in process. When I helped Bill create The World's Most Frustrating Operating System, little did I realize that it would come back to bite Me in the Ass. Personally, I am also a bit envious. How could a mere mortal out do Me in the Insidious Department? Plus, they talked me into upgrading my Legacy system. "This Upgrade will solve ALL Your issues, we Promise.", they said through smiling teeth. How could I be so gullible? Worse, while this goes against all My Principles, I've been forced to outsource my tech support to former Garment Industry Slave Laborers on Guam; it's really that serious...

5. Fall-out. The Punishment of Evil Animals is sorely neglected. I don't dare to ponder what I'm to do about the Gitmo/Abu Ghraib dogs, let alone your neighbor's cats... Additionally, after 6 million years of glibly getting away with murder, Malicious Trees and Aggressive Grasses have developed a smugness that is really starting to rub Me the wrong way. Oh, and, don't get me going on what the Bugs have been up to this whole time. (Caveat: *My contract luckily states that I will not be running this place when Insects evolve into Sentients and take over the world).

6. Finally, My Petition for a Tourism License Renewal has been languishing in Committee since The Dark Ages. I think it perfectly reasonable that I should be able to supplement My budget with such funds, but My Fathers haven't let anyone in since those free-loaders, Dante and Virgil, came gallivanting through.



Every one knows I have very Stingy Fathers. I have only been able to secure the votes of 43% of the 2.1 Billion Jehovahs, the Liberal Faction, for additional funding And, even though there are now Billions (!) of you Large Brained Primates running around these days, They have cruelly kept My Allowance at 0 B.C.E levels, a pittance, for the past 2,000 years. I hope you see how grossly unfair this all is... I am not Proud of it, procrastination being a known weakness of Mine, but I have barely caught up with organizing the punishment of the Inquisitors, let alone all who have come since.

Please note that I am entertaining genuine thoughts of Resigning My Commission at this point. When I Volunteered to do this all those years ago, I clearly made unrealistic assumptions as to how horrible you humans could be and, most significantly, how quickly you would reproduce. I have one Word of Advice for you on that issue: Contraception! Use it, Damnit!

Signed, The Great Satan.

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Brought to you by -

-Your Shining Light of Delusion, The Three Holed Messiah.

EverLastingGodStopper

If you're not familiar with the FBI Watch List, you might soon be, after sending such a letter.

StupidSexyJesus

I am confident I am on such a list already.

Just before The Chimperor's Illegal War, I sent a letter, with my real name, to any and all who would recieve it, apologizing to the Muslim World for what the Usurper was about to do... Notwithstanding that I am the current Buddhist re-incarnation of Dead Jesus, I would guess my life-long public irreverence crusade has already attracted such 'attention'.

That being said, you bring up an interesting point: How does one view their 'FBI File'. Can I make a request under the Freedom of Information Act?

My Fathers won't answer that one.

Tanks (and Guns, and Bombs, and Ships, and Planes, and...) - The Hermetically Sealed Theist

EverLastingGodStopper

I don't know how to view one's FBI files, sorry. Some websites offer such a service, but I don't know how thorough they are.

I prefer positive, proactive forms of activism, myself, but that's just me.

placebo messiah

the trick is to make the list so long that they can't get any practical use out of it

Eldarion Lathria

I'm sure I'm on some government list. I was on the Spanish Public Order Police's list (terrorist sympathizer) and on the Chicago police's Red Squad's list (possible Communist. Bah! I'm an anarcho-syndicalist, not a communist.) If you're not on at least two lists you're probably dead.

Eldarion Lathria