Daggah

Some backstory here: I'm still in Iraq, and I have about a month left over here. TCN Escort duty has left me with nothing BUT time to think about my life, which is what I've been doing for the last three months. Unfortunately, I'm a pessimist and a cynic, so when I think about stuff like this, I tend to get depressed.

I'm male, 23 years old, and I'm a virgin. The truth is, because of my kinks and fetishes, I don't have much of a sex drive, and I only really think and fantasize about sexual intercourse when I'm thinking about someone I have feelings for. It's not so much a sexual fantasy as it is a romantic one...I tend to think of sex as a physical expression of emotion and an extension of intimate contact.

Society tells me that I'm a loser because I'm 23 and haven't lost my virginity...I've even lied to people and claimed to have "gotten some" in the past because they asked me directly. But the reality of it is that I'm not a virgin as a result of repeated rejection from members of the opposite sex...I haven't even asked anyone out in years. So how can the fact that I'm a virgin say anything about me other than that I haven't been out there trying to actively get laid?

Believe me, I've thought a lot about my kinks and alternative interests in the past few months. I know it's harder for me to achieve sexual gratification because of the fact that my interests are in the minority in the population, but at the same time, I've come to think lately that my resulting opinions regarding sexual intercourse are a strength....and not a weakness.

Maybe I'm just posting this because I seek validation of my thoughts, though...

Straight Hate

By my standards, no.

If we lived in a society where we didn't have sex until we were at least 30, you'd be completely unremarkable. The point here is that status as a virgin is dependent on outside, relativistic forces; you could have easily grown up in a society that prized virginity over the one into which you were born.

Chances are you're a half-decent looking guy normal in most respects, just that the circumstances in your life haven't led to the Act. Do you stress about never having skydived? Trust me, it's more fun than sex.

It may help you mentally to simply just 'go for the gold' sometime just to get it off your chest so you can shift your focus onto other areas of improvement in your life.

IRON MAN

Hell no. I was a virgin until I met my wife, and I was 27.

I was under no religious restrictions imposed or implied to do so either.

It was partially by choice, but I must admit that when I was younger I wasn't exactly inundated with offers either.

I would say I have average looks, but when I was a teenager I was below average, by virtue of the fact that I was not particularly well groomed or anything, (partially economic factors coupled with a lack of fashion sense).

I had ample opportunities in my 20's but by then my brain had taken over my hormones again, and I was thankful for merciful fate.

From then on, and pretty much all my life to some degree, it was simply a case of one-way attractions, but never a two-way, plus I'm a fussy bastard when it comes to women and straight-as-an-arrow sexually and socially conservative.

My wife was a rare find, but I think for most people who have an interest in long-term relationships this is necessarily the case.

I read somewhere that the average age of marriage was 27 for both sexes*, so I wasn't worried at all, and I hit it right on the nose.

That didn't make the loneliness of the previous 26 years any more enjoyable, (to be honest it near killed me), and I wouldn't outright recommend it to anyone and everyone, but it turned out alright for me.

My feeling was pretty much summed up thus: I couldn't sleep with someone unless I thought we were going somewhere long term. This didn't necessarily even mean marriage as a hard and fast rule.**

Just an example of how important this was to me, in my Army days, (I was about 18), I got extremely drunk at a nightclub, and a rather nice looking gaggle of young nurses dragged me back to their college.

My uninhibited behaviour up until then had given them no reason to expect that I was anything out of the ordinary. On the trip there I sobered up enough to realise what was going on, and just as one of them was taking another guy they'd picked up into the bedroom I excused myself and left.

Not fear. Not prejudice. Just not my style.

They had simply gone out looking for Army guys, (the town was full of them), any Army guy would do. The more they talked the more unflattering the whole situation was.

No way Jose.

Man if it were simply up to my sex drive though ... momma mia. It was that same sex drive kicking me the next morning and long after, but fortunately the rest of my brain is very dominant.


I also did go on, (a disastrous), date once with a very beautiful girl I met at a party. I loved her fashion sense the most, but she was intelligent, saucy, and she really would've suited me in many other ways.

But by half way through the date it became obvious she wasn't listening to a word I was saying, didn't really want to know me or ascertain our compatibility, but the date was simply an impatient prelude to sex.

Pity. I really liked her otherwise. And the sex part never occurred. She was probably thinking it was a pity as well.

Call me crazy, but I don't want a string of ex-girlfriends, and/or (the possibility of), illegitimate children in my life history. Not my style, and just not the way I am.


The only thing I regret is my shyness at school. I could have used the reassurance and experience of a nice low-pressure, non-sexual relationship with a nice girl early on in life.

Hell my ideal would have been to go on to marry that girl later on, do the whole Jack and Diane/Mom and apple pie crap from wo to go. But it wasn't to be.

Que sera sera.


*It is worth noting that the older a man gets the more his looks generally improve, finances, position and general attractiveness to women. A man who is stable becomes more attractive to women, while the "bad boys" start to suffer the consequences of too much hard living. By the time these guys get to 30 they could have 3 ex-wives with alimony claims, shat on finances, a beer-gut, drug addiction, and fucked up knees from too many injuries on the football field.

Meanwhile women are getting sick of these fucking idiots, want more stability, and are losing their own looks.

The odds just get better and better the older you get.

(Sorry girls this is a gross generalisation, but there's some truth to it and I am saying it as a reassurance).

**Who'd have thought that was such a tall order?

Raza

Yes.

=P

Nah. Like you said yourself, unless you've been trying and failing, it says very little about you. And in most environments, the chances of people 'trying' you completely on their own accord aren't that big.



I gotta say though, I don't see any reason to consider a more romantic than sexual view of intercourse a 'strength'. The idea that romance is 'deeper' and more valuable than sex is pretty much entirely based on obscure cultural values rather than any practical qualities, and although I cheer you on for unusual sexual tastes, it's also true that you're missing out on a good bit of potential fun if hose interest you exclusively. Along with the majority of people ofcourse, the 'no sex without romance' view is one of a somewhat less vocal majority I think, just noting for sincerety. It does have it's downsides.

IRON MAN

I disagree. I have to suffer the bleating of gays day and night about how it's just the way they are. Why then is it so hard to believe that some people are just naturally monogamous, (I can't speak for Daggah's individual motivation), and act acordingly when seeking romantic interests?

I was never forced by religion to take this view, now I am an atheist, (deconverted from agnosticism, I feel no different).

The date I talked about, I liked the girl, but was mentally repulsed by her attitude. Not morally outraged, not obligated by my beliefs, but just romantically repelled. Still a hot chick any way you cut it though - so my physical attraction is a separate issue.

While you may be right in saying that it is not a 'strength' as in being better or worse, from an overall moralistic point of view, it still may be better for a particular individual.

To coin a phrase: That's just the way I am.

Daggah

Don't get it twisted, IRON MAN. I'm nothing like you. I'm not sexually conservative OR a straight arrow. The reality of the situation - the reality that I've accepted - is that my interests and kinks just don't correspond at all to one-night stands...they're not the sort of thing that I can just tell a stranger. I have no compunction against paying to explore my interests and have done so in the past.

I also don't believe in marriage and don't plan on getting married either. If a totally hot woman hit on me I wouldn't be opposed to going home with her. I'm just saying that sexual urges aren't what drive me.

Artemus

I can't see any problem with that in the least, probably in no small part because it sounds very much like how I felt about sex at your age (and still do). To this day I can't even imagine myself in a one-night stand. I think our attitude is probably much more common than one might think, but at some point most of us end up lying about it just to get people off our cases about something that is none of their business. I passed up some "sure-things" in my late teens and early 20's, but a couple decades later I don't regret that in the least. I doublt you will either. And it certainly doesn't make you "loser".

ETA: Well, seeing your comments to IRON MAN I see I misunderstood the OP as well. Still, to each his own. Having different sexual interests doesn't reflect on whether or not one is loser, either. You shouldn't let it bother you.

Aquila_Geminus

No, I don't think it makes you a "loser", though as you say that is how society will probably view you, due to popular perceptions in the mainstream media concerning male sexuality. *ahem*

You shouldn't have to compromise your own sexualty (whether that means "monogamy" or "kinks") to fulfill some popular expectation. I think if you actually actively sought out a community of people with similar interests (kinks), you'd probably find someone who would do it for you, and vice-versa.

engly-saxo

I think society places too much emphasis on virginity. When I was in college (16-19 in my country) the goal was always to "get some". Granted, that behaviour is to be expected to a degree by people that age. Looking back though I don't see it as abnormal or weird if someone isn't interested in sex. People ultimately have different goals and motivations in life.

And no, someone isn't sad if they are a virgin in their twenties. Maybe they're waiting for the right person and believe sex is best saved for someone you're in love with. Maybe they feel that sex before marriage is wrong. Either way, it's simply a personal choice.

MonCapitan2002

I do not think you are a loser for being a virgin. While you may certainly deviate from the norm in not being sexually active with other people that does not in any way make you a loser.