Will I Am

I would like to share the results of my (quite dedicated, in-depth), on-going research into the nature of Blondes. An interim report, as it were.

(*Assumes an air of professorial pomposity, possibly involving slipping a hand into a waistcoat pocket and chewing on a pipe.*)

As you know, the study of Blondes is difficult, because they don't quite exist in the same universe as the rest of us. Indeed, it's been known for some time that Blondes live in a different dimension altogether. At the extreme end of the bella-curva it is difficult to get objective results, as Heisenbergian effects become pronounced. It's impossible to observe a Blonde without the observer being unsure either his position or his veracity.

It's only recent experiments using the Bubble Telescope and the Mastercard Accelerator that we have been able to piece together some idea of their true nature.

I won't bore you with the details of sexual selection, neotenomorphism and VISA card interest rates (a peroxide-critical set of equations), so, the short version:

You see the fact is, that Blondes float through our dimension cushioned on layers of masculine admiration and, well, lust. Lustoid sub-particles have recently been detected at CERN, and appear to be fundamental constituents of human reality.

It appears that Blondes draw energy direct from this underlying subspacial matrix that has been named the "wanton-foam". This makes a Blonde's vector-track entirely different from say a brunette or a raven-haired entity.

Further work at Fermilab has shown that it is possible for super-cool Blondes to assume a wigs-n-hose-on state, a unique condition where macro objects, such as nearby male observers, assume a unified quantum level of excitement.

Blondes also warp the space-time continuum resulting in the attraction of nearby bodies. The force of attraction appears to be a function of their Blondeness inverse-squared in proportion to the strength of their perfume. Blondes are consistently orbited by many other bodies, and often by rings of the shattered remains of these bodies that came into violent contact with each other.

In a now famous thought-experiment by I-win Suregolddigger, it was pointed out that if a Blonde were locked in a sealed room with a joint bank-account poised to be opened, there is no way an external observer could be sure there was any money left in the account without entering the room, and thereby collapsing robbability waves. This is now known as Golddigger's Brat.


Although frequently having to contend with interference patterns ("jealously waves") when in proximity to anti-blondes, the Blonde finds that study, work, etc, the little chores the rest of us contend with, simply aren't necessary. Instead their otherworldly powers smooth the way, without much in the way of conscious effort, (except for a certain amount of determined and veracious grooming. Indeed, the only time that a Blonde is likely to feel any pain whatsoever is during hot-waxing sessions).


Well, that's the gist of it. Current work is concentrating on quanticising blondeness, with a view to a achieving a unified feel theory. For more information, refer to my upcoming book: "Primate Neosexual Preference and Genoeconomics" (Subtitled, "You can't be too Rich, too Thin or too Blonde").




1 (All references to "single-slit experiments" have been edited out by the legal deparment)

Gawdawful

I see this thread destined to be moved to Freethought Humor, Jokes, Etc.


What about bleached blondes? Are they merely trying to attain that interdimensionality of true blondes? Or, merely trying obtain some of the stray excess lust generated by male humans?


Warren the Okie

JossWorShipper

Yes, it is true. Blondes have more fun.

Will I Am

I 'bump' this, in part for any scientifically-minded types...

woodheart

Interesting. But I once knew a brunette that could blonds to shame.

AspenMama

I was going to write some heated response in defense of blondes but then I got bored with all that science mumbo jumbo. So I think I'll just go back to staring out the window..that doesn't hurt my brain as much.

AspenMama-- who tries to dye her hair darker only to have it return to it's natural blonde state every couple of months.

mongrel

Heh, I should show that to a few people I know. I'd probably get thumped for my trouble, though...

Did you write that yourself, Will?

Cynical-Chick

Hmm..

Will I Am

Did you write that yourself, Will?

Of course.

(I never ‘not-attribute’ (ever))



Heh, I should show that to a few people I know. I'd probably get thumped for my trouble, though...

It was just a play with words and science. I could have equally picked on… (ok, no I couldn’t….)

Invader Zim

Proof: BlondeStar