Killer Mike

The key is how that person makes you feel. If your self esteem decreases and you find yourself being more and more controlled then this is unhealthy.
Any physical abuse or emotional abuse is unhealthy.

True love is unconditional. When this occurs you find yourself more concerned about your partners happiness then your own. And guess what the opposite is true. Your partner should equally be more concerned about your own happiness then their own.

Unhealthy relationships are all about control. In these relationships the dynamics are such, that the partners involved are more concerned about being "right" and being in control. They would much rather start an argument and be in control, then compromise, give a little, and save the peace.

People with "dog personalities" are a classic example. They have an overt-aggressive personality disorder. Like a child who does not get what they want in a toy store and throws a tantrum, these personalities have learned that they can get what they want by aggression and intimidation. They are essentially children who never grew up. The reason these personalities are quick to anger is because they want control and will get angry if they cant control something, someone, or a particular situation.

So yes. Relationships can be healthy or unhealthy. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, get the fuck out! If you are in a healthy one, then cherish it and do everything you can to maintain it.

Jay GW

Does every person have unique, individual sets of emotional needs or is there a set that is common to everyone?

What is happiness?

David B

I'm a human being, so I can make value judgements. Makeing value judgements seems to me to be someithings humans do, or even one of the defining characteristics of humanity.

If some charismatic religious demagogue sexually exploits a fourteen year old that he has persuaded to buy into his cult, then I say that's an unhealthy relationship.

Are you going to tell me it ain't? And justify that position?

One example is all I need.

Are you going to claim that the relationship I describe is a healthy relationship?

David B (is not a nihilist)

Patcher

Have you been watching my household? How funny that I stumbled across this thread today. I'm curious, do you believe that a person with an overt- aggressive personality disorder can change?

Killer Mike

No. People with overt-aggressive personalities know that normal people think differently and use this to get what they want. Normal people in relationships with overt-aggressive personalities often find themselves asking "what could have caused him/her to be this way?" and then try to "help" them.

The truth is these personalities main concern is with themselves. People are looked at almost like either obstacles or commodities to their own desires, rather then as human beings. They will run you over if you are an obstacle to their desire to maintain control.

It is a mistake to try and psychologize these personalities. "If I could only understand why he/her is hurting so much, then maybee things will change"
is a common mistake that normal people make.

The truth is they are just trying to get what they want. They learned a long time ago that if they whine and throw tantrums eventually they will "win". They could not care less if they hurt someone emotionally. In fact these personalities feel "justified".

A good analogy is "Emotional Vampires". They will take a bite out of someone and drain them emotionally, and gain strength at their expense.

I wish I could offer better news. But no, they wont change.

James T

Too many of those sayings, a leopard never changes it's spots, seem rooted in real observation of peoples behaviour . Exceptions though, always there are exceptions, but I've never won the lottery (doesn't help that I don't bet ).

Patcher

Your post describes what life has been like with my husband to a "T". As I was reading I couldn't believe how well it was summed up in one post.

Now, all that said, I've always thought he has such potential as a human! He has lots of good qualities. He is good with the kids (except when a situation is out of his control, then he gets angry and throws a fit as you described, and everyone is emotionally drained) he is ultra responsible around the house, with the bills, etc. He gives me anything I want if he has the resources to give it, and it seems as though he truly wants me to be happy and feel taken care of. If he could just let go of this need to be in control. He has come a long way just since he's known how serious I am that I am through with his behavior. He is truly trying, I see it. Everything I tell him he cannot do he has let go of doing, or at least is giving it a huge effort. (behavior wise) But it's only been a short while. The thing is, I feel a responsibility to this relationship. He has 4 children with me. He loves me. He wants a life with me and says he is willing to get counselling to change and that he genuinely doesn't want to be this way. Sometimes I feel that that is enough to try to stick this out while he is trying to change, and that maybe my feelings for him will come back. I will say, though, that other than the fear I have over financially making it on my own, and that I really don't want to be alone in life, I am so free. I don't really miss him yet. But I'm worried that later on I am going to regret not giving it another chance because I'm going to miss what I maybe could have had with him, since he is good in most other ways. Could I love him again? I wonder if I don't miss him right now because of all the craziness going on right now trying to get my own life going. I don't know.

Astreja

My ex's "potential," plus pity, kept me in a bad relationship for far too long. Don't throw your life away on wishful thinking. If he changes, all well and good, but hedge your bets. Relapses are common, and genuine behavioural changes can take years of intensive therapy.

His recovery will be far more likely if he's doing it for himself, to heal himself and become a better person. And you don't have to stick around while he tries to get it together.