Freethought & Rationalism Archive

BZ · 02-20-2004, 04:30 PM

Christians are beginning to wear "nails" instead of crosses.

http://www.nypost.com/seven/02192004...news/18338.htm

BZ · 02-20-2004, 04:44 PM

Reminds me of "Jesus Junk" by Atomic Opera

Jesus Junk

I want a virgin Mary nightlamp
Bible hero lunch box
The Shroud of Turin on my wristwatch
Only listen to Christian rock

Gospel Cola in the morning
Then make my Velvet Jesus Bed
I want some Holy Trini-tea Bags
Covenant Candy fish, and loaves of bread

Gold plated Crown of Thorns Messiah Ring
Belt buckle's a descending dove
Hang a chrome fish on my truck
They'll know we're Christians by our love... of junk

All my Jesus Junk
Yeah, my Jesus Junk
I am
A Jesus Junkie.

Give me a piece of the true cross
The thigh bone of a saint
I long for something Holy
This sub-culture ain't... real

Testa Mints to make my breath fresh
Bible Gum and Christian science fiction
Where Jesus turns wine into water.

All my Jesus Junk
Yeah, my Jesus Junk
I am
A Jesus Junkie.

BZ · 02-21-2004, 12:33 AM

By the way, I find the "nails" story disturbing.

They should stick to crosses.

I guess when the Martin Luther King Epic is made, promoters will be selling little "bullet" necklaces.

or

When the next JFK movie is released, promoters will sell little pieced of souvenir skull.

I hope that "nail" story is false, thats pretty disgusting and macabre.

Veleno · 02-21-2004, 01:24 AM

Naw, nails are better, especially if they're rusty. Perhaps then they'd start getting some first hand experiance with "survival of the fittest"

Undercurrent · 02-21-2004, 07:12 PM

The cross was insufficiently phallic?

God's Big Brother · 02-22-2004, 03:46 AM

There are other items of adoration (as well as utility) that the poor boy has inspired, and which, in turn, have inspired song. Here's a little song about them...

I don't care if it rains of freezes
'Long as I got my Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car.

Through my trials and tribulations
And my travels through the nations
With my Plastic Jesus I'll go far.

Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car
(insert the above chorus ad lib.)

Trouble coming He don't see,
He just keeps His eye on me
And any other thing that lies behind.

Though the sunshine on His back
Make Him peel, chip and crack,
A little patching keeps Him up to par.

When I'm in a traffic jam
He don't care if I say "damn"
I can let all my curses roll

Plastic Jesus doesn't hear
'Cause he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul.

Once His robe was snowy white,
Now it isn't quite so bright -
Stained by the smoke of my cigar.

If I weave around at night,
And policemen think I'm tight,
They never find my bottle - though they ask.

Plastic Jesus shelters me,
For His head comes off, you see
He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask.

Ride with me and have a dram
Of the blood of the Lamb -
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar.

I could go a hundred miles an hour
Long as I got the Almighty Power
Glued up there with my pair of fuzzy dice

You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you're travelling far

I don't care if it's dark or scary
Long as I have magnetic Mary
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car

Joseph beams with a feigned elan
From the cracked dash of my old sedan
Famous cuckold in the master plan

I feel I'm protected amply
I've got the whole damn Holy Family
Riding on the dashboard of my car

You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell

Goin' ninety, I'm not wary
'Cause I've got my Virgin Mary
Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell

I don't care what they say, I'm gonna
Keep on prayin' to that pink madonna
Melted to the dashboard of my car.

I don't care if it bumps or jostles
Long as I got the Twelve Apostles
Bolted to the dashboard of my car

Don't I have a pious mess
Such a crowd of holiness
Strung across the dashboard of my car

No, I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car

But I think he'll have to go
His magnet ruins my radio
And if we have a wreck he'll leave a scar

Riding through the thoroughfare
With his nose up in the air
A wreck may be ahead, but he don't mind

When pedestrians try to cross
I let them know who's boss
I never blow my horn or give them warning

I ride all over town
Trying to run them down
And it's seldom that they live to see the morning

His halo fits just right
And I use it as a sight
And they'll scatter or they'll splatter near and far

God made Christ a Holy Jew
God made Him a Christian too
Paradoxes populate my car

You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you're travelling far.

You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell.

Goin' ninety, I'm not wary'
Cause I've got my Virgin Mary,
Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell.

(changes vehicles)

Naughty Mary, smug and smiling
Jesus dainty and beguiling
Knee-deep in the piling of my van

His message clear by night or day
My phosphorescent plastic Gay
Simpering from the dashboard of my van

When I'm goin' fornicatin
I got my ceramic Satan
Sinnin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home

The women know I'm on the level
Thanks to the wild-eyed stoneware devil
Ridin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Sneerin' from the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Leering from the dashboard of my van

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding with the devil in my car.

But I'm afraid He'll have to go.
His magnets ruin my radio
And if I have a wreck He'll leave a scar.

Riding down a thoroughfare
With His nose up in the air,
A wreck may be ahead, but He don't mind.

Riding home one foggy night,
With my honey cuddled tight,
I missed a curve and off the road we veered.

My windshield got smashed-up good,
And my darling graced the hood.
Plastic Jesus, He had disappeared.

Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
No longer chides me with His holy grin.

Doctors in the X-ray room
Found Him in my darling's womb.
Someday, He'll be born again!

(van wrecked, back in the car)

I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I got my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car

He's the dude with the rusty nails,
Walks on water, don't need no sails
Riding on the dashboard of me car

I don't care if the night is scary
As long as I got the Virgin Mary
Sittin' on the dashboard of my car.

She don't slip and she don't slide
Cuz her ass is magnetized
Sittin' on the dashboard of my car.

Sarpedon · 02-22-2004, 05:36 AM

Don't go to church on sunday
Dont get on my knees to pray
Don't memorize the books of the bible
Got my own special way

I know that jesus loves me
maybe just a bit little more
I fall downon my knees every sunday
at the reverend lee's candy store

(chorus)
Well its got to be a chocolate Jesus!
Makes me feel so good inside
Got to be a chocolate Jesus
Keeps me Satisfied

I don' want no wappa-zappa
Don't want no almond-joy
There aint nothing better
more suitable for this boy

well the only thing that can pick me up
better than a cup of gold
only a chocolate jesus
can satisfy my soul

(chorus)

When the weather gets rough
and its whiskey in the shade
best to rap your savior up in cellophane
flows like the big muddy but thats ok
pour him over ice cream for a nice parfait!

(chorus)

---Tom Waits, Mule Variations

Mrhat · 02-23-2004, 04:27 PM

Think they make bracelets...?

tracer · 02-23-2004, 05:27 PM

If anyone still plays the original Quake, they could always use 'em for ammo.

NonHomogenized · 02-23-2004, 07:36 PM

I think I'll take to carrying a hammer around. Then, whenever I see someone prominently displaying nails, I'll look pointedly at the nails, whip out the hammer, smile helpfully, and ask, "Would you like me to put you up for the night?"

If they're gonna set themselves up for it, who am I to refuse?

02-20-2004, 04:30 PM	#1
BZ Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: (Required) Posts: 1,784	New Christian Fad Christians are beginning to wear "nails" instead of crosses. http://www.nypost.com/seven/02192004...news/18338.htm

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02-20-2004, 04:44 PM	#2
BZ Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: (Required) Posts: 1,784	Reminds me of "Jesus Junk" by Atomic Opera Jesus Junk I want a virgin Mary nightlamp Bible hero lunch box The Shroud of Turin on my wristwatch Only listen to Christian rock Gospel Cola in the morning Then make my Velvet Jesus Bed I want some Holy Trini-tea Bags Covenant Candy fish, and loaves of bread Gold plated Crown of Thorns Messiah Ring Belt buckle's a descending dove Hang a chrome fish on my truck They'll know we're Christians by our love... of junk All my Jesus Junk Yeah, my Jesus Junk I am A Jesus Junkie. Give me a piece of the true cross The thigh bone of a saint I long for something Holy This sub-culture ain't... real Testa Mints to make my breath fresh Bible Gum and Christian science fiction Where Jesus turns wine into water. All my Jesus Junk Yeah, my Jesus Junk I am A Jesus Junkie.

02-21-2004, 12:33 AM	#3
BZ Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: (Required) Posts: 1,784	By the way, I find the "nails" story disturbing. They should stick to crosses. I guess when the Martin Luther King Epic is made, promoters will be selling little "bullet" necklaces. or When the next JFK movie is released, promoters will sell little pieced of souvenir skull. I hope that "nail" story is false, thats pretty disgusting and macabre.

02-21-2004, 01:24 AM	#4
Veleno Regular Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: USA Posts: 402	Naw, nails are better, especially if they're rusty. Perhaps then they'd start getting some first hand experiance with "survival of the fittest"

02-21-2004, 07:12 PM	#5
Undercurrent Veteran Member Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Santa Fe, NM Posts: 2,362	The cross was insufficiently phallic?

02-22-2004, 03:46 AM	#6
God's Big Brother Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Vereinigte Staaten Posts: 7	There are other items of adoration (as well as utility) that the poor boy has inspired, and which, in turn, have inspired song. Here's a little song about them... I don't care if it rains of freezes 'Long as I got my Plastic Jesus Riding on the dashboard of my car. Through my trials and tribulations And my travels through the nations With my Plastic Jesus I'll go far. Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus, Riding on the dashboard of my car (insert the above chorus ad lib.) Trouble coming He don't see, He just keeps His eye on me And any other thing that lies behind. Though the sunshine on His back Make Him peel, chip and crack, A little patching keeps Him up to par. When I'm in a traffic jam He don't care if I say "damn" I can let all my curses roll Plastic Jesus doesn't hear 'Cause he has a plastic ear The man who invented plastic saved my soul. Once His robe was snowy white, Now it isn't quite so bright - Stained by the smoke of my cigar. If I weave around at night, And policemen think I'm tight, They never find my bottle - though they ask. Plastic Jesus shelters me, For His head comes off, you see He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask. Ride with me and have a dram Of the blood of the Lamb - Plastic Jesus is a holy bar. I could go a hundred miles an hour Long as I got the Almighty Power Glued up there with my pair of fuzzy dice You can buy Him phosphorescent Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant, Take Him with you when you're travelling far I don't care if it's dark or scary Long as I have magnetic Mary Ridin' on the dashboard of my car Joseph beams with a feigned elan From the cracked dash of my old sedan Famous cuckold in the master plan I feel I'm protected amply I've got the whole damn Holy Family Riding on the dashboard of my car You can buy a Sweet Madonna Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a Pedestal of abalone shell Goin' ninety, I'm not wary 'Cause I've got my Virgin Mary Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell I don't care what they say, I'm gonna Keep on prayin' to that pink madonna Melted to the dashboard of my car. I don't care if it bumps or jostles Long as I got the Twelve Apostles Bolted to the dashboard of my car Don't I have a pious mess Such a crowd of holiness Strung across the dashboard of my car No, I don't care if it rains or freezes Long as I have my plastic Jesus Riding on the dashboard of my car But I think he'll have to go His magnet ruins my radio And if we have a wreck he'll leave a scar Riding through the thoroughfare With his nose up in the air A wreck may be ahead, but he don't mind When pedestrians try to cross I let them know who's boss I never blow my horn or give them warning I ride all over town Trying to run them down And it's seldom that they live to see the morning His halo fits just right And I use it as a sight And they'll scatter or they'll splatter near and far God made Christ a Holy Jew God made Him a Christian too Paradoxes populate my car You can buy Him phosphorescent Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant, Take Him with you when you're travelling far. You can buy a Sweet Madonna Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a Pedestal of abalone shell. Goin' ninety, I'm not wary' Cause I've got my Virgin Mary, Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell. (changes vehicles) Naughty Mary, smug and smiling Jesus dainty and beguiling Knee-deep in the piling of my van His message clear by night or day My phosphorescent plastic Gay Simpering from the dashboard of my van When I'm goin' fornicatin I got my ceramic Satan Sinnin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home The women know I'm on the level Thanks to the wild-eyed stoneware devil Ridin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home Sneerin' from the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home Leering from the dashboard of my van Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus Riding with the devil in my car. But I'm afraid He'll have to go. His magnets ruin my radio And if I have a wreck He'll leave a scar. Riding down a thoroughfare With His nose up in the air, A wreck may be ahead, but He don't mind. Riding home one foggy night, With my honey cuddled tight, I missed a curve and off the road we veered. My windshield got smashed-up good, And my darling graced the hood. Plastic Jesus, He had disappeared. Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus, No longer chides me with His holy grin. Doctors in the X-ray room Found Him in my darling's womb. Someday, He'll be born again! (van wrecked, back in the car) I don't care if it rains or freezes Long as I got my plastic Jesus Riding on the dashboard of my car He's the dude with the rusty nails, Walks on water, don't need no sails Riding on the dashboard of me car I don't care if the night is scary As long as I got the Virgin Mary Sittin' on the dashboard of my car. She don't slip and she don't slide Cuz her ass is magnetized Sittin' on the dashboard of my car.

02-22-2004, 05:36 AM	#7
Sarpedon Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Minnesota, the least controversial state in the le Posts: 8,446	Don't go to church on sunday Dont get on my knees to pray Don't memorize the books of the bible Got my own special way I know that jesus loves me maybe just a bit little more I fall downon my knees every sunday at the reverend lee's candy store (chorus) Well its got to be a chocolate Jesus! Makes me feel so good inside Got to be a chocolate Jesus Keeps me Satisfied I don' want no wappa-zappa Don't want no almond-joy There aint nothing better more suitable for this boy well the only thing that can pick me up better than a cup of gold only a chocolate jesus can satisfy my soul (chorus) When the weather gets rough and its whiskey in the shade best to rap your savior up in cellophane flows like the big muddy but thats ok pour him over ice cream for a nice parfait! (chorus) ---Tom Waits, Mule Variations

02-23-2004, 04:27 PM	#8
Mrhat Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Tulsa, OK, USA Posts: 1,431	Think they make bracelets...?

02-23-2004, 05:27 PM	#9
tracer Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Silicon Valley, Calif., USA Posts: 2,270	If anyone still plays the original Quake, they could always use 'em for ammo.

02-23-2004, 07:36 PM	#10
NonHomogenized Veteran Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: no longer at IIDB Posts: 1,644	I think I'll take to carrying a hammer around. Then, whenever I see someone prominently displaying nails, I'll look pointedly at the nails, whip out the hammer, smile helpfully, and ask, "Would you like me to put you up for the night?" If they're gonna set themselves up for it, who am I to refuse?

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