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Freethought & Rationalism ArchiveThe archives are read only. |
12-18-2003, 07:07 AM
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#1 |
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Regular Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 120
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Taking a Moment for God
God would like to thank you for your belief and
patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 1. How did you find out about God? ___ Newspaper ___ New Testament ___ Torah ___ Book of Mormon ___ Koran ___ Other Book ___ Television ___ Divine Inspiration ___ Word of mouth ___ Dead Sea Scrolls ___ My mama done tol' me ___ Near-Death Experience ___ Near-Life Experience ___ National Public Radio ___ Tabloid ___ Burning Shrubbery ___ Who? ___ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model God did you acquire? ___ God of Israel ___ Jehovah ___ Allah ___ Just plain God ___ Krishna ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack) ___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack) ___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack) ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If No, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: ___ Not eternal ___ Not omniscient ___ Not omnipotent ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe ___ Permits sex outside of marriage ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms) ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched ___ Requires burnt offerings ___ Requires virgin sacrifices ___ Plays dice with the universe 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply. ___ Indoctrinated by parents ___ Needed a reason to live ___ Indoctrinated by society ___ Needed target for rage ___ Imaginary friend grew up ___ Hate to think for self ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys ___ Fear of death ___ To piss off parents ___ Needed a day away from work ___ Enjoy organ music ___ Needed focus on whom to despise ___ Needed to feel morally superior ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? __ Yes __ No If Yes, please check all that apply. __ Self-help books __ Tarot, Astrology __ Star Trek re-runs __ Fortune cookies __ Dear Abby __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll __ Biorhythms __ EST __ Television __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggart __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) __ Human Sacrifice __ Wandering around in desert __ Burning shrubbery __ Other:_____________________ 6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? __ Yes __ No If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. ___ Odin ___ Cthulhu ___ Lottery ___ Baal ___ Beelzebub ___ The Almighty Dollar ___ The Conservative Right ___ Mick Jagger ___ Bill Gates ___ The Great Pumpkin ___ Ronald Reagan ___ A burning cabbage ___ Mushrooms ___ Other: ________________ 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)? a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following: (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent): Disasters: 1 2 3 4 5 Flood 1 2 3 4 5 Famine 1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 War 1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 Plague 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress 1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis 1 2 3 4 5 Dubya 1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 Rescues 1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 Clear and competent statements by the President 1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship 9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = unsatisfactory, 5= excellent): 1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy 1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers 1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met? 1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing? 10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? |
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12-18-2003, 08:02 AM
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#2 |
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Junior Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: UK. but not birmingham, oh no no no
Posts: 52
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