christ-on-a-stick

This isn't the worst by any means but it was rather off-putting one time when my husband and I were... in an intimate situation and the dog (who we thought was in the other room but was apparently lying in wait on the other side of the bed) suddenly prang up onto the bed and started (trying to) lick.... arg, you don't want to know! My husband in his surprise trying to wrestle him off the bed (and him thinking they were now playing and boxing with him in typical boxer-fashion)... I almost busted a gut laughing!!!

(We make sure to always shut the door with him on the OTHER side of it now).

FoE

A partner and i once fell about 10' out of a tree. It hurt, but we still finished up.

another time while, umm, digitally stimulating a girl she came with such force she wet the bed. She was very embarassed. I was so damn impressed with myself i didn't really care.

Viti

ROTFL

When we first got Duck, he was incredibly "nippy" all the time and gave us bruises on our arms and legs. We thought he was happily chewing his nylabone on the floor one night, when we decided to have sex...right in the middle he jumped on the bed and started nipping our legs and hubby's ass...and those little puppy pinching teeth HURT. Sorta ruined the mood, but we learned that dog goes outside from now on

AquaVita

Excuse me maam, I need a word with you....


*flashes credentials

My name is AquaVita, with the Internet Medium Associates Network for Articulate Slang Sayings(IMANASS) I'm here to inform you that the correct way to write the above phrase, is ROFL as opposed to the half-hazard tripe you have written above.

Please exercise caution as to avoid any incidents in the future.

Thank you.

Bumble Bee Tuna

Except you're wrong- she was using the acronym for

Rover's Oscillating Tongue Fondled Labia

It's really a fairly common interpretation mistake. Lord knows how many times I've mistaken the two acronyms. Something really must be done about that. Perhaps you should talk about it with your superior officers.

-B

Viti

I simply choose to include the letter of each word...Rolling On The Floor laughing...do you think we're all savages dropping articles all willy nilly?

And...ahem...half-hazard? Did you maybe mean haphazard?

Xeluan

This almost ends up in the coolest sexcapade thread. It is a long story but myself and the psycho (but hot looking) Swedish girl I had inadvertantly picked up (I had no idea what I did but without even trying I ended up with her) ended up somewhere on Muholland Drive (natch I was living in Los Angeles at the time) getting down to business.

We were outside the car. I had parked in a no parking zone. Big spotlight from the ranger's car showed us up in our naked glory. I ended up spreadeagled on the car with my pants down being threatened with North Hollywood jail during questioning. She was with the other ranger/cop being questioned about what was happening.

She saved us by putting on a story about it was an accident due to us being very much in love and needing to release our passion. It was a great acting performance and somehow worked. They let us go. I was angry and so was she. Drove back to my place, arguing, blaming each other. I said she could stay on the couch, I was going to bed.

When I came out of my bathroom and found her underwear strewn on the floor and her waiting in my bed the argument ended and there was a happy ending.

Koyaanisqatsi

Oh man, where to start?

First, I had a somewhat similar experience to you, Buddrow, only when I was just about to get out of my seat to go in to meet my then fiance to joing the mile high club, an old woman had beaten me to the door.

Unfortunately, we hadn't thought ahead enough to come up with a special knock, so she just opened the door to a very shocked old lady (my fiance had already opened her shirt; luckily, she was wearing a bra). She came back to sit next to me, beet red, but laughing hysterically. We then proceeded to have wild sex in the woman's restroom of the Ft. Myers airport, which was pretty strange, too. Ever tried having sex in a bathroom stall while mostly old Jewish women are "visiting nature" in stalls right next to you?

Now, this next story is long and horrific, so the more timid among you should read no further. It has been subsequently dubbed by my friends, "The Ballad of the Pee Girl and the Ring of Death," so that might give at least one person here a clue.

I'm not kidding, by the way. Do not read any further if you ever want to have sex again or ever had any fantasies involving beautiful NY actress/models.

I was in a terrible play here in NY way back when I was still a struggling actor (read: poor) and there was this incredibly hot actress who was part of this troop I was working with, who, because I was playing a villain, was literally falling all over me. After opening night, we all went out partying and I ended up back at her place down in the village. We start fooling around in a 69 with her on top, when she stops and says, "By the way, I ejaculate when I cum." Not too aware of anything beyond what was gripped tightly in her hand, of course, I said glibly, "What a coincidence, so do I." Ha. Ha.

So, we're going at it and she was incredibly talented in more ways then one, when I feel the tell-tale shimmy and shake of her lower extremities about to crest and all of a sudden my mouth is filled (violently, no less and in one giant squirt) with hot, salty, fluid. And I mean filled, to the point of overflowing, which I had little choice in allowing down the side of my mouth, since she was now in full orgasm with me deep inside her own mouth.

Now, I've seen the videos of women who ejaculate and this was not female ejaculate. It was urine, plain and simple, which makes sense, because when she came, it was very physical (I feared my head was going to be snapped off by her thighs), so my theory was, she simply lost bladder control at that pique and just never reallized that this was what was actually happening whenever she came.

So, opening night was on a Thursday and by that Sunday I was too curious to find out whether or not my theory was correct for my own good, so I called her up and told her to come over wearing something sexy. She did. A body length lace, crotchless stocking under a wool coat (it was winter) and stilleto heals. Very sexy.

So, this time I'm on a mission. I go down on her in order to be "up close" to see whether or not my theory was correct, and she is incredibly wet, but because we had both been drinking, I had to stop midway through to go take a leak. I walk into the bathroom and turn on the light only to find that my face is covered in menstrual blood.

Now, don't get me wrong. No prude I, but normally that's the kind of intimacy that comes (pardon the pun) of a more prolonged courting. So I clean up as best I can and go back into my room with a rather incredulous look on my face to confront her, only to find her sitting up sort of lotus style, with her legs out, in a spreading pool of her monthly flow. On my bed.

"What?" she innocently asked me, "It's perfectly natural." True, but I'm going to have to clean that up!

So, the evening ruined, I send her home and start applying disinfectants.

The play continues and we flirt, but I keep my distance (politely, using the "complexity" of the play as my excuse) until closing night, when there's, of course, another party. We get nice and tight and flirt all night and I end up taking her home, partially because she was so hot, but also because I still hadn't tested my theory.

As soon as we're in the door, we start in on each other. Very passionate in that drunken sort of way, and she jumps up into my arms and we start going at it that way. I'm strong, but not that strong, so the time comes when I need to drop her down, which, coincidentally was also the time when she came. Literally in mid air. As she is landing (and I am not embellishing this in any way, I assure you; I'm a good writer, but you can't make this shit up) her "ejaculate" hits the floor with a sickening splat just as she does.

I look down and see a puddle roughly the size of a large dinner plate, seaping into the hardwood floor. She's still wanting to keep going and I'm thinking, "that's great, but I have to go get a mop and strong industrial solvents before whatever it is soaks down into the cracks of my bedroom floor." Remember, I live in Manhattan where all manner of creatures would feast off of this for months.

So, I kick her out and apply the bleach.

Ok. So. The play is now over and I haven't contacted her in about two weeks, when, late night, I'm in a "mood," shall we say, and call her to come over, "and wear something even sexier, this time." She shows up naked under her coat and I take her into my bedroom, throwing her playfully onto my bed, she with her back to me. Well, she bends over on the bed very sexily, ass high in the air, and I think, finally, I'm going to be able to prove my theory (it was impossible to tell whether or not she had ejaculated or simply peed previously when I was mopping, so here's a perfect opportunity, right? Wrong).

Again, for the younger or more squeamish, do not read further, and remember, that she was incredibly hot (she had also done some modelling to give you an idea of what I'm talking about).

So, there she is, supine on my bed, incredibly sexy, her ass high in the air thrust out for me to explore when I bend down and smell a rather fetid smell. Apparently, she hadn't wiped too carefully recently, because there was a ring of semi-dried fecal matter all around her winking eye, shall we say.

And I mean several broken, centimeter thick pieces surrounding her anus like a medieval moat.

I quickly feigned that I was too drunk to perform and kicked her out (again, politely, but firmly) and that was the last time. To this day, I am still convinced that she lost bladder control. Which just goes to show you exactly how far a beautiful face and a smoking hot body will take most shallow men like myself .

ju'iblex

oh dear god.... that was positively awful.... why did i read that. car crash, only way to describe it.

DonnieDarko

Damn it. Why didn't I take this warning seriously????