Starshark

9/11 Official Version 'A Sham' says Stunt Pilot

Peter Rimjob
Agencie Freee Presseee

Stunt pilot Walter Walpamur slammed the official version of events describing the September 11 2001 attacks yesterday as 'a complete hoax'. "There are simply too many holes in the story for it to be true. But you need an expert eye to really find out where the official version doesn't hold water. And that's where I come in."


Walpamur, 47, who works as a freelance stunt pilot, from Tumbi Umbi in New South Wales, Australia, says there are so many things wrong with what the public has been lead to believe has really happened that he doesn't know where to start. "I simply don't know where to start," he said from his Tumbi Umbi home yesterday.


"To start with, it's quite clear that none of the hijackers were wearing a seatbelt," he began. "The Aircraft Owners and Pilots Association make it quite clear that safety is the number one priority of every pilot. The thought of a pilot not wearing a belt for a moment is unthinkable."

"Unless they were going for a crap," he added later.


This isn't the only flaw with the story. "This isn't the only flaw with the story. In none of the official reports or investigations was it mentioned that the hijackers wore a helmet. Crashing a 747 into a building is very dangerous. There is an extreme risk of head injury. Failing to wear a helmet could mean brain damage, paralysis or worse."


But what really clinched it for Walpamur was the film footage of the event. "What really clinched it for me was the film footage of the event. Only when the second plane hit that other building to we get a clear shot of what happened. The other shots only show a brief glimpse, or bad angles, or horrific framing. Clearly the filming was a rush-job. Any stunt pilot can tell you, you do not preform your stunt until you get the go-ahead from your director. Getting the stunt right the first time can mean the difference between a film that's on-time and on-budget, and a major financial catastrophe."


President George Bush could not be reached for comment before publication. "He's pissed again, and playing with that gun Saddam used to own. It's best you don't go in, really," Tony Snow said yesterday.




Walter Walpamur's new book, "This 9/11 Story is a Bunch of Bullshit" is on sale at all good bookstores for $12.99 or from Walpamur Publishing.

Starshark

(apologies to Viz magazine for stealing their writing style)