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http://www.theonion.com/content/news...ape_for_second

Makeshift Universe

But herregud.no (deargod) reported this a while back! Who's right?

Maybe he's recovered from his first attempt and is now fit to try again?

Source: herregud.no
(Translated from norwegian by yours truly)


Jesus' return ended in flames.

Last weekend Christians all over the world was pulled up into the sky when God finally sent Jesus back to earth to judge the living and the dead.
Unfortunately, Judgement Day had to be cancelled when Jesus and his army of angels miscalculated the angle of descent through the atmosphere.

Jesus was quickly surrounded by flames when he dove through the atmosphere in a far too sharp angle.


This photo was taken by Ystebø through the telescope he used to follow the drama.

-- I have been following the developments with my telescope for more than 15 years, Bjartmar Ystebø explains. He is one of many hobby astronomers hired by Levitating Word to monitor space. Friday evening Ystebø noticed a series of unidentified flying objects gathering just above the atmosphere, and quickly realized that something was going on. Messages also ticked in from other observation posts shortly after. They all reported that something was going on in the sky just above the Northern Sea. We quickly realized that the Second Coming was underway, and that we now could exult that the atheist finally would experience that they were wrong all along. Now it was too late to save oneself from the coming Apocalypse.

-- Jesus and his angels plummeted glowing down towards the Earth, but suddenly they were slung back into Space!, a dismayed Ystebø tells us.

-- After a while they tried again, but this time they were also uncontrollably slung back into space. The angle Jesus had used for his descent was way to flat, making it impossible to penetrate the atmosphere. After a few more poor attempts Jesus conferred with a couple of his angels and agreed to try a sharper angle. They did this without consulting NASA or others with a background in physics. The whole operations was doomed.

The Holy Son swooshed straight into the atmosphere, but since the angle was way too sharp it was only a matter of seconds before the man from Nazareth and his army of angels made up a gigantic fireball flying across the skies. A few minutes later they all crashed with a gigantic splash in the North Sea, just west of Ekofisk.

Shortly after Jesus hit the sea, we received messages that Christians all over the world had been pulled up into the air just like the Bible describes. But the pull-up came out of controll when Jesus was engulfed in flames. Luckily, God intervened and managed to put most of them back on the ground. But some was reported to still be hovering mid-air, causing problems for the aviation industry. At least one person was hit by a commuter aircraft, and some Christians was reportedly lifted so high that they now orbit around the Earth.

From what we gathered, a slightly bruised Jesus returned to Heaven to restore himself after the dramatic attempt at the Second Coming. Neither Jesus nor God have made a public apology yet, but an anonymous source informs Herregud.no that a commision will be formed to ensure that the Third Coming will happen according to the desired goals.

-- We have long been working on quality guidelines for Heaven, and this work will now be intensified. A lot of people say it's pure hell to work on these matters, but since the devil is in the details we've hired a consultant from Down Under since the best consultants never end up on our side anyway, the anonymous source tells.

Styrofoamdeity

We in NARP would like to point out that Japanese Temple Guardian would hand Jesus' ass back to him on a plate.



Yeah, do a bunch of set-ups girly boy. Maybe get a pair of those retro fluffy leg-warmers. But Jesus'll run screaming like a little girl once Japanese temple god flexes his massive abs. This planet is too small for two religions of peace, dickwad, so back down or get knocked down...

Nazaroo

Like in WWII, when the Jap TG turned to flesh and caught "Little Boy" and "Fat Man" in his teeth, while juggling katanas.