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Old 02-08-2001, 04:29 AM   #1
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Post New Scripture - 2

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Mathew 2:1
Öbehold, there came wise men from the east to JerusalemÖ

They were wise men?
From the East?
Yes, they were. Wise Easterners.
They sound Magic.
Well, almost.

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ÖSaying, Where is he that is born king of the Jews?
I donít know. Jerusalem is a big place you know. Babies are being born left right and centre around here mate. If you mean Herod, who IS king of the Jews, and has already been born, he will be in his palace probably.

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When Herod the king had heard these things, he was sorely troubledÖand when he had gathered all the chief priests, he demanded of them where Christ should be born.

In Bethlehem, for thus it is written by the prophet: And thou BethlehemÖblah blah....for out of thee shall come a Governor, that shall rule my people Israel.
A prophet wrote blah blah?

No, I was just abbreviating.

Governor with a capital Gee you say? Must be really important.

I suppose so your majesty.

Wasnít I born in Bethlehem?

There is documentary evidence suggesting so. If we actually had birth certificates, thatís what would be recorded on yours I suppose, yes.

And Iím king arenít I? I mean, I govern the place donít I?

You certainly do.

Isnít it me then?

You appear to be the most likely candidate sir, yes.

Bugger me! The son of God eh? Eh? Whoíd have thought it. This Jesus fellow, will he get to be governor of Israel as well?

Not a chance.

But he is born in Bethlehem though?

Not that anyone knows of sir, no. In fact, there is no documentary evidence that he actually exists at all. Would you like us to kill all the babies anyway just to be sure?

No, under the circumstances that clearly wonít be necessary.


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Then Herod, when he had privily called the wise men, inquired of themÖ
So, you are wise men from the east?

Yes. Very wise.

And you saw a star?

Yes. A big one. In the east.

In the east?

Yes. Definitely the east.

I second that.

I third that.

And you went West?


Was that very wise?

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Öthey departed, and, lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went before themÖ
Bloody Hell. Itís in the east again, should we follow it this time?

Yeah good idea! I knew HE would end up being Chinese, they have a massive empire you know, and no-one around here seems to have the slightest inkling about it. Thereís bound to be a proper king there.

I disagree. I think we should head south.

Oooh have you heard her? South she says. Well you can shut up for a start you can. It was your idea to head west in the first place, and now look where we are. Why in Godís name would we want to head south?

Well according to this map, thatís the way to Bethlehem from Jerusalem. Due south. A kick and an arse to the west maybe. Canít miss it.


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Ö.till it came and stood over where the young child was.
Itís overhead now, should we stop here do you think?

Youíre the astronomer arenít you? You tell us!

No, astrologer.

I thought you said you were an astronomer.

You must have misread my CV.

Do you know what a star actually is?

Yes. Night is like a big cover that God puts over our budgie cage to make us go to sleep, see. Then he whips it off and itís day again. But there are holes in it, so the light leaks in. Thatís what stars are. Simple really.

You are kidding arenít you?

No, thatís what they are. I know, cos the cover also helps to keep all the water from dropping down. Simple see.

What water?

The water that God separated and put up there in the beginning silly. Where do you think rain comes from? The fairies?

No, it comes from the water cycle. Evapouration and condensation of the oceans and such like.

Donít be silly, cycles havenít been invented yet. Anway, if rain doesnít come through the holes, how come itís thin then?

Oh my God. You really have no scientific background whatsoever do you?

No. But I tell brilliant fortunes.

So all this time we have been following your directions, you havenít actually known what you were doing? Why on Godís earth didnít you say something before now?

Well you said ĎLead on wise friendí so I did.

But I thought you were an astronomer, whereas in fact you have no idea where we are GOING!

No, but as an astrologer I CAN tell you that this is not an auspicious time for you to contemplate physical violence.

OK smartarse, how do you know itís overhead then? I can see itís up, but overhead seems pretty specific to me. Pray enlighten us oh navigator of the night, what wonderful scientific confection, what marvel of precision engineering, what perfection of lenses, prisms and vernier gauges have you been hiding on your camel all this time, that only now allows you to ascertain the exact position of the star, to whit, overhead, while you have spent the past 6 months leading us in the wrong direction?

Oh nowt like that. I just used me plumb bob. When I look along the piece of string I can tell itís overhead.

From a moving camel? With a 2lb brass bob swinging in front of your eye?

Yeah, well, approximately.

So in your capacity as an astronomer/astrologer/fortune teller, tell us, when a star is APPROXimately overhead, where on the planet will it appear so?

Over most of the hemisphere?

Keerect-e-mundo! And you want us to stop right here? At this exact spot?

OK then Iím nackered. Canít we just stop at this house.

That, is the wisest thing youíve said so far.

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And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his motherÖ.
Oh, fancy meeting you here. Hey wait a minute! We were looking for you in a stable. What are you doing in a house?

What! Are you mad? Itís freezing out there! And I do have a young child to think of you know.

Ah, so this must be young Emmanuel.

No, itís Jesus for your information.

I think you will find itís Emmanuel.

I think you will find itís Jesus.

Well we were told Emmanuel.

Well I was told Jesus, so there, and I get to pick.

Actually, I was told Emmanuel as well Mary.

Shut up you. What have you got to do with it?

Ah! So you must be the father. You must be very proud. You have gone very red all of a sudden, have I said something?

I knew it! I knew it! Iím going to frigginí kill you Mary when these lot have pissed off. Iíll never be able to show me face in the Carpenters Arms again. Oh God! Iíll be the laughing stock of the guild. How could you.

Oh dear, I see, like that is it? (Shit! A domestic!). Well you may as well have these anyway. Weíre sick of lugging them around to tell the truth. Never can have too much myrrh where babies are involved I say. So, if thatís all then weíll just be off. Tarra.

Right lads. China it is.

[This message has been edited by Boro Nut (edited February 09, 2001).]
Old 02-09-2001, 08:42 AM   #2
Posts: n/a

Well I thought it was funny.
Old 02-11-2001, 01:19 AM   #3
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Thumbs down

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Boro Nut:
Well I thought it was funny.</font>
BOO! Just so you know someone read it(part of it anyway)


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