Psychic

yesterday, I went through my regular hell.

Life is launching an attack on me on all frontieers. so yesterday my mood became so low that I think it actually reached the center of the earth! eyes tearful, I felt so much tightness inside my chest, it was like something ribbing my lungs. the world was painted black. cognition becomes so slow, so slow that sometimes the mind becomes blocked, blank, hushed, no ideas at all, just chaotic memories flashing.

my next guest was my friend "the suicidal thought", i remembered a piece of poetry from my high school (it's in arabic this is a translation):

"what worse illness could be, than that in which death is the wished cure"

I knew i wasn't about to commit suicide because I've been there before. so i fought and i fought, untill I was about to break down in tears. I played "don't worry be happy" on my PC, this is a really wonderful song, it saved my life too many times . I started to regain control over myself, I wrote a paper about the good qualities in me and about the joys in my life, about those people who care about me and I started reading it. because when you are depressed you can't think positively, you can't see anything beautiful in life, you can't see anything good in yourself, you only have ideas of how bad you are. you start hating everyone around you concentrating on their flaws and forgetting every thing they meant to you.

it took the whole day for me to be able to effortfully raise my mood, until it became a bit stable. If I would believe in hell it would be because of "depression", the peculiar thing about depression that it doesn't need to allot hell a Place! with depression you can experience hell even while sitting comfortly in heaven.

Jackalope

None taken.

I happen to be lucky enough to live someplace where 1)the newer therapies are available and 2)have good enough insurance that I have access to those therapies. If the biologics weren't available, I'd probably be one of those considering assisted suicide, simply because nothing else tried so far has helped. And a number of the things we tried made me even sicker. Chemotherapy forever is just not the life for me.