Queen of Swords

Hello everyone, and welcome to a rupture of the rapture, here by popular demand! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and this week’s subjects are kind enough to be concerned about what will happen to us once they and their ilk have gone the way of all Nuts. In view of that, they have written a survival manual – laughter being the best medicine, after all – with two themes : 1. Don’t receive a mark on your forehead (unless it’s Ash Wednesday or you’re a female South Asian) 2. You’re going to suffer whether you take the mark or not. The Portents of Doom range from slavery to equine executioners to the ultimate in torment – no sex; strap yourselves in for a kill ride through the slayground of fundamentalist fantasy, because this week’s Nutwatch takes on

Christine Peter’s Homepage

To wit : a collection of one-note (G-sus) articles and testimonies. Actual input from Ms. Peter is kept to a minimum, since there’s no need for further commentary after people like Kurt Seland have produced

The Post-Rapture Survival Guide

Salvation is very simple, so simple to attain that most people cannot accept it... Simple, because Jesus does all the work.

While everyone else kicks back and relaxes. May Jesus also fetch you a martini and give you a massage by the pool? Please don’t forget to tip Jesus; he has to support his aging father as well.

Let me be really frank with you.

You can be really frank if I can be really robert.

If you are reading this manual and the rapture has already occurred, then you probably are not going to physically survive; you most likely will die.

Why, yes, I probably will die some day! Man, this is the stuff of true prophecy. Next up, Mr. Seland guesses that my refrigerator is running!

This manual is about the survival of your soul. You are going to go through terrible suffering. The only question is whether you will go to Heaven or go to hell

or go to Hamburg, or go to Holland, or go to Havana. We offer a complete vacation package for only $499.99 per person!

Definition: Rapture. This is the event that will occur when Jesus calls His followers… with a trumpet blast.

Jesus had the Three-Bean Special for lunch.

Interestingly, those who have died and are followers of Jesus will respond first to the call… as it happened when Jesus was crucified and resurrected, when the dead saints arose from the dead and walked amongst the living (Matthew chapter 27), that at the rapture the dead saints may walk briefly on earth again.

Jesus Christ plays Michael Jackson in the video of Thriller : The Rapture, when the dead saints rise from their graves and dance along with the King of Kings of Pop!

Originally, the Bible tells us that when God created the world He declared that it was "good." That means that it was perfect and no changes were necessary.

Good thing God didn’t declare that the world was “perfect”, because then no one would have known what that meant.

Included in His creation were standards to live by that He gave to Adam and Eve. These standards covered everything from how to live in our private lives to domestic relationships to principles for governing a community.

God : All right, Adam and Eve, this is how you govern a community--
Adam & Eve : What’s a community?
God : The Oxford dictionary defines “community” as a body of people living in one place, district or country, or a body of people who have--
Adam : Ooh, pretty tree!
Eve : Ooh, nice snake!

Satan seeks to change everything that God has created and established, thus he has used his power and influence in the world to make changes. None of these changes are good for humankind because all of these changes are opposed to God's original intent.

God’s original intent being that Adam and Eve live forever in a garden like two ornamental gnomes, albeit naked ones. This mental stultification and infantile dependence being the ideal state for humankind, some day we’ll all be like that again – and maybe naked too!

The foundational building block of society, that element which has always been responsible for social order and peace, is the family, and it has been virtually destroyed. The family is to be a man, his wife and their children.

and their dog, and their white picket fence. The dog and the fence do not count as children – although the wife might, depending on her state of submissiveness – so if you haven’t been fruitful and multiplied, you might want to grab a Handmaid and get started.

The man provides for the wife and children, the wife nurtures and educates the children, and the children obey their parents.

The dog obeys the parents too, or else it is known as “pot roast”.

The devil has worked very hard, primarily through communications media such as TV, movies, news journalists, and entertainment in general to convince women that marriage is detrimental to their freedom and fulfillment in life.

What about the plethora of Christian movies, shows and books? Oh wait, those must be considered “education”, rather than “entertainment”.

Satan has deceived women into believing that they have the same sexual desire as men

In other words, a desire for women? Or perhaps this means that modern women want sex just as much as men do, as opposed to the women of the past, who must have thought an orgasm was a manifestation of the Holy Spirit within them.

and that all differences are the result of culture. Satan has worked hard to divide men and women and have them at war with one another, and because of this, the violence between men and women dramatically increased beginning in the 1980's.

Before this, the genders existed in blissful and asexual companionship. (to the tune of ‘Home on the range’) Home, home in the past; the ladies and gentlemen play, where no one was hit or abused one small bit, and of course not one person was gay.

After the rapture, more than likely, the family as it is known today will be eliminated. Children will become wards of the state and marriage will be discouraged.

Even between gay people? This is a repressive regime.

Expect all commerce, buying and selling, to be controlled by a mark on the right hand or forehead of every person who wants to participate in the economy.

In a world of telephones, the Internet, etc. how could one verify that the buyer or seller had a mark? What if a non-marked person faked a mark on themselves with paint?

Only those people with the mark will be able to buy and sell,

What would prevent a person with the mark from brokering their services to people without the mark? Mr. Seland, when writing dystopian science fiction, it’s always best to consider the loopholes of whatever strictures you’ve set up in your hypothetical society.

but the consequences of taking the mark is eternal damnation. Therefore don't take that mark. You will have a very difficult time surviving, and probably won't, but you will save your soul. Again, don't take the mark on your right hand or forehead.

Run that by me again – should we take the mark? And I have no idea why this mark can’t be erased or obliterated after taking it. After all, Jesus said that if one’s right hand sinned, one could always cut it off.

Another thing that will come back into vogue after the rapture will be slavery… The slaves will more than likely be Jews and Christians…

Since the Hebrews were permitted to keep slaves and since the plantation owners of the South were Christians, this post-rapture development is a horrible reversal of the laws of nature. Jews and Christians are supposed to be the slavemasters, damnit! The humanity!

Christians will be hated by all nations on account of His name. In many parts of the world Christians are jailed and killed for their beliefs;

Thereby sending them straight to heaven. I’m sorry, what was the problem again?

in the United States those who are Christians are hated by the media and liberals and are known by the code words "religious right".

Note to evil anti-christian conspiracy : next time get Navajo windtalkers; the code’s been busted wide open!

The concept of the rapture will be made known to the disbelieving masses (those of you who do not know Jesus as your Lord and Messiah) before it occurs. It will be treated with ridicule, contempt and mockery by the world's media,

Thereby proving its veracity to True Christians, since the world’s media routinely get together over donuts and coffee each Friday to decide which fundamentalist doctrine they’ll make fun of next.

but God will see to it that it will be highly publicized before it occurs just so that those left behind might still come to their senses. It will occur in the open, and everybody left behind will know somebody that was raptured.

Not in the Biblical sense of the word, I hope. The raptured people don’t sound as though they would be too much fun to know – in any sense of the word.

It will happen suddenly, unexpectedly, and lightning fast--"in the twinkling of an eye" as the Bible puts it.

Like the twinkle in God’s eye when he caught sight of a nubile young virgin called Mary?

And there will be evidence all over the world that this event occurred. Some national leaders will disappear, celebrities in entertainment and professional sports will disappear,

David Copperfield could probably do this even before the rapture.

entire families will disappear, disbelieving spouses will see their mates vanish, children will disappear.

Way to uphold the integrity and sanctity of the family there, God.

Because if the world's leaders admit that it did happen then logically everything Christians preached about Jesus Christ being the Son of God, the Savior, the Messiah, the Prince of Peace, the Lord of Lords and King of Kings

Grand Wizard and Dungeon Master, Dragon Reborn and Kwisatz Haderach, E.T. and A.I., Commander-in-Chief of the Heavenly Host and Runner-Up for Mr. Israel ’33.

and everything that Jesus preached and taught must be true.

Tell me, if you drop a potato into a cesspool, does the entire thing turn to delicious stew?

And if all of this is true, then the only logical response would be to fall on one's knees before God in confession and repentance and absolute submission…

This would be the logical response. But humans are not logical. We shall therefore return to Vulcan immediately, warp 9!

But all of this is diametrically opposed to the way of the world which preaches freedom from the constraints of God's word, perverse sex, materialism and the devaluation of human life.

I’m not sure that anyone licking their cyberlips over mass murder and suffering is terribly supportive of human life either.

In a very short period of time, one-quarter of the earth's population will be killed due to wars, famine, pestilence and wild beasts.

Earthworms alone will devour thousands of unwary people and mice will rip entire crowds apart, limb from limb.

These wild beasts could very well be viruses, bacteria and other microbes. In late 1995 Time magazine ran a cover story on the rise of new infections and called microbes "malevolent little beasts".

This would be the leader of the world’s media which mocks the rapture? How can you trust them about microbes? Maybe the bacteria and viruses want to be Christians too, and the evil world’s media is turning you against them!

There will be a great earthquake, the sun will be blackened, the moon will turn red and all mountains and islands (which are underwater mountains) will be moved.

You mean the Muslims were right about the mountain going to Mahomet? I’m donning the veil immediately.

A meteor will hit the earth causing the sea to become like blood, killing one-third of all sea creatures and destroying one-third of all shipping.

What happens to the other two-thirds of sea creatures? Perhaps they turn into vampires and feast happily on the blood-like water – expect to see a Great Red Shark or a Dracula Dolphin surfacing any night.

A "star" named Wormwood will fall from the sky and poison one-third of all fresh water killing many people.

Since a “star” would probably destroy the entire planet if it fell from the sky (where else do things normally fall from?), perhaps Wormwood is actually an asteroid, or maybe even a pebble. A poisonous pebble, sort of like God’s kidney stone.

Fearsome locust-like beings will be released from underground who only attack people who are not followers of Jesus Christ. These attacks will be very painful but last only 5 months.

That must be how long the development of an effective insecticide takes. Perhaps the fearsome locust-like beings are bred and raised in sewers by True Christians, much like the Penguin with his army of malevolent misfits.

An army of 200 million horse-like creatures will kill one-third of mankind.

Their leader, known only by the code name “Black Beauty”, whinnied yesterday that his auditor, “Flicka”, will be keeping close tabs on the number so as not to exceed one-third by more than a very small margin, say about a million people more or less.

People will be required to receive a mark on their right hand or forehead in order to buy and sell. Those who receive this mark will develop a loathsome and malignant sore on their bodies within a short period of time.

Sore far, sore good. Just in case you’d nodded off during the treatise of tortures and forgotten about that mark.

The oceans will chemically change and become like the blood of a dead man (congealed?) and everything in the sea will die.

Been there, done that – don’t you remember the meteor? But since it’s happening all over again, let’s sing a little song to commemorate the event :

Under the sea,
Under the sea,
Darling, it’s deader
Down where it’s redder,
Jesus loves me!

The fresh waters will become like blood.

You wouldn’t find this much hemomania if you read the complete works of Anne Rice.

The sun will scorch the people on earth with fierce heat.

Oh, pooh, this happens every day in Texas anyway.

The throne of the anti-christ and his kingdom will become darkened.

The anti-christ will then put on some romantic music, lock the doors and slow-dance with the anti-christine. Great Scott, could this be Ms. Peter?

There will be a great earthquake, so great that all the mountains and islands will disappear.

Into a black hat, shortly to reappear in a puff of smoke. Abracadabra!

Shortly after this great earthquake, Jesus Christ will return with His army to claim the earth as His possession.

Millions of planets in the universe but he wants this one so badly that he’s willing to destroy it and recruit an army to conquer the remains?

The Two Witnesses : These two men are God's gift to the people of the earth… They will have no message as to how you can avoid the hell that life on earth has become… If you are left on earth, then your destiny is to suffer and more than likely die.

With gifts like this, it’s easy to see why God had to recruit Santa Claus for Christmas. Can this gift be returned to the store, or could we just pass it on to a less fortunate world?

The Bible does not say who these two men are. Many speculate that they are Elijah and Enoch, two ancient prophets of God who never died.

Instead, they went into cryogenic suspension, emerging periodically to cries of “It’s Bigfoot! Quick, Annie, git mah shotgun!”

Regardless, they will be responsible for many of the natural catastrophes that will reek havoc on the property and economy of the earth. They will have the power to prevent rain,

by sticking their thumbs into the great drainage hole in the sky (at least, I hope it’s their thumbs).

and there will be a 3 1/2 year draught on earth until they die. They will turn water into blood and cause all kinds of plagues on earth

Including sexually transmitted ones? Well, at least we now know how these two men of God whiled away the long centuries of their lives. That’s where homosexual relationships get you, even monogamous ones.

and in general make life miserable for those who are living on earth. Also, they will be invincible,

unless they are in the presence of kryptonite.

as many will try to kill them only to be killed by their own hands… Only the world dictator will be able to kill them and only when God allows it.

So after Elijah and Enoch have murdered a requisite number of people, God says, “Excellent work! Come to My loving arms!” He then presses the mute button and turns to Gabriel. “Shit, Gabe, they’ve nearly passed my tally of deaths! Get them up here before they break the record!”

The purpose of all the misery that these two witnesses inflict on the earth dwellers is to turn people back to God in repentance.

Amazing that Jesus didn’t adopt their methods and go around killing people. He could have divided the entire earth into the fundies and the dead in no time flat.

The misery will be so great that when the world dictator does finally kill these two the world will rejoice in a Christmas-like celebration, giving gifts to one another.

The misery made people give gifts just like God did! Just a few more plagues and droughts and they would all have turned back to God in repentance.

Do not, do not, do not under any circumstances participate by receiving this mark. All those who receive this mark known as "the mark of the beast" are doomed for eternity.

Perhaps very religious people could receive “the matthew, mark and luke of the beast”?

God will render judgment on those with the mark by inflicting them with a disgusting looking and very painful ulcer covering their bodies.

As opposed to those painless ulcers which look like a Georgia O'Keeffe painting.

This will remove much of the pleasure left in their life including making sexual relations almost, if not completely, impossible.

I assume fundamentalists everywhere will be praying for the ulcer.

Sometime after the two witnesses are murdered and after people are required to take the mark on the right hand or forehead, there will be a terrible plague causing a loathsome and malignant ulcer on the bodies of those who have taken the mark.

Mr. Seland repeats this for the benefit of any Alzheimer’s patients in the audience. I wonder what will happen to children whose parents make them take the mark. Will God kill them to get them to heaven or punish them on their way to hell?

This will be a very ugly and very painful sore

SORE LONELY.

that will make life miserable for those who have it. This sore will cover the body and remove the pleasure from sexual relations. People will avoid sexual relations due to the pain.

No doubt people will be avoiding many more things, including sunlight and exercise, but sexual relations are clearly at the forefront of the author’s mind, so he believes that everyone else shares his fascination with the sex lives of post-Rapture non-christians.

Above all, do not accept the mark of the beast on your right hand or forehead.

Accept it on both your right hand and forehead and then you’ll control the economy of the future!

If you do take the mark then nothing can be done for you -- you will suffer the malignant ulcer

How can this ulcer be malignant? You’re already covered with it; there’s nowhere else for it to spread. You can’t transmit it to anyone else; they have it already. I’d better stop there, since I’m probably putting more thought into this mess than the author ever did.

making the rest of your life almost unbearable. Did you ever have a canker sore in your mouth? If so, then you know how painful that was---just one little canker sore. Now think of having canker sores all over your body, on your genitalia, in your mouth.

Dear Mr. Seland, please don’t mention my body parts or anyone else’s (besides yours) in any further articles. Keep these musings to yourself and your paid professional of choice. Thank you.

Think how painful and unbearable your life will be. Don't take that mark.

To recap : don’t take the mark. And think of how much more delightful your life would be if you only took the mark of God instead; you too could have a testimony like that of the inimitable

Debbie

I put my order into God for a 5 bedroomed house and an entrance hall, with a scullery and a walk in pantry and a bathroom on suite. Well not even a month later I had my house !!!!

What is this, McGod? Place your orders now for the 5 bedroomed house special, and get the Happy Are The Meek Meal free!

Then my 21 year old son came to live with me. This was fine except he didn't believe in God. He wouldn't say Grace at meal times, he wouldn't sit with us if we had Church visitors, it was just awful !!!! His cousin used to visit and he was a total satanist !!!!

As opposed to a partial satanist, which would be someone who wears a triangle and drinks tomato juice?

…I went first thing in the morning and poured out all the alcohol that was left over from the party !!! I must have emptied +/- 5-6 bottles of vodka, cane, whisky etc down the zinc.

Come back, zinc! Come back!

That is when the Changed started !!!!!

The exclamation marks are replicating themselves while the spelling and grammar have gone the way of the alcohol. The change has started all right; the testimony has become even more incoherent, which I wouldn’t have considered possible.

I stopped playing films which had violence, sex and drugs

because the bible provided more than enough of those.

and stopped listening to music which I didn't think Jesus would listen to !!!

I started hanging out with people whom I thought Jesus would hang out with !!! And you know, those hookers gave me some real interesting tips on hand jobs, for only $5 !!!

On Sunday 14th October both my son and my nephew gave their hearts to the Lord… Praise God for his Glory and Power and His strength !!!!

Debbie might have poured all the alcohol down the zinc, but she doesn’t seem to have realized the mushrooms and the brownies were equally hellish. Either that or this is her, er, normal state of mind, which is admittedly a far more frightening thing.

My son wants to get married to the girl he is living with and will do so on the 1st of November !!!!!! This may not be as electrifying as some of the people that write to you, but living with satanist and trying to be Christians is not funny.

I’ll leave the readers to be the best judge of that. We are not told what the Mark of the Beast looks like, but I can testify that its counterpart, the Mark of the Lord, is “!”, and the more of these, the merrier. Heaven must be a menagerie where the horse-like creatures and the fearsome locust-like beings rub shoulders with the hysterical fundies (True Christian drug of choice : angel dust). And let’s not forget the Two Witnesses, as much of a gift as if they were sent from the Unabomber, and with a far worse effect. If this is heaven, how long do you think the collective population could coexist before they turned it into hell?

Till next week, everyone!

QueenofSwords

GunnerJ

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA!!!

GunnerJ

HEY!

Queen of Swords

I put that one in just for you, Rim.

phillyrp314

:notworthy

I haven't been a member on these formus for very long, but the nutwatch has to be hands down some of the funniest (and smartest) stuff I've read. It always makes my day to see the new nutwatch posted. Thanks Queen for making me smile
Take Care,
Robby

SharonDee

You're killin' me, Queen! There goes all my makeup for the day. I was doing okay until I got to the part about the "zinc".

-----
Note to self: Don't read Nutwatches at work.

Ab_Normal

You had me at

Koiyotnik

When you have a horrible sinus infection, don't read the Nutwatch at work.

This... ...made me let out the raspiest, most insane-sounding laughing cough I've ever heard.

:notworthy

Kevbo

Love the musical score interjected into the commentary. Can we look forward to the NutWatch soundtrack? :notworthy

BigBlue2

Beans, beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot.

(Yes, it's lame, but I couldn't help myself. So solly.)

Great job as always, QueenofSwords.